Florence
by her name is erika
Summary: "I'm not running. I'm going back to a place where I was the happiest." / Or, in which Victoria Newman goes back to a place of renaissance and finds one of her own. Victoria-centric.


**Florence  
Show:**Young and the Restless  
 **Central character:** Victoria Newman  
 **Summary:** "I'm not running. I'm going back to a place where I was the happiest." / Or, in which Victoria Newman goes back to a place of renaissance and finds one of her own. Victoria-centric.  
 **Notes:** I wrote this on a whim and it became something bigger. It was very cathartic to do and I hope you will enjoy reading it. Just a NOTE though. If you do not like Victoria, don't read this. If you do not want her existence, don't read this. If you wish she'd step into a river and hold her breath forever, DO NOT READ THIS – you get my drift. However, if you don't like her and managed to read this whole thing, then thank you. This was born out of inspiration, imagination and irritation. Happy reading.  
 **Disclaimer:** There is no copyright infringement intended. The only characters that belonged are the ones who aren't recognizable on the show and the plot. I am simply playing in the CBS/Sony sandbox.  
 **Notes 2:** I don't know a lick of Italian and just used whatever internet translator seemed authentic enough. So, forgive any linguistic boo boos.  
 **Notes 3:** Please forgive any editing errors. I really did try to edit things as I went. However, I am human and am prone to missing things. I will do a more thorough edit in the morning and when my eyes are rested. I'm sort of going cross-eyed.

* * *

 **PROLOGUE**

Sometimes, Victoria missed Florence. Lately, however, she had been missing it a lot more than usual. It was the same feeling creeping up on her as it had nearly fifteen years ago. Everything was tense, wound up and as well as she was doing – at least, as can be expected – she could feel the boundaries that held Genoa City tighten themselves around her. Now, she was filled with a deep seeded urgency she didn't want to show to anyone, much less admit to herself. When she had discovered Florence and stayed because it was a refuge, her life was different. It was the polar opposite of what it was now although the same complications managed to bleed into every aspect of it.

When the opportunity for Lily to promote Dare in Milan came up, Victoria jumped on it. Dare had a strong presence in the Asian market and could very well shove Jabot out here in North America. However, it needed a strong European presence. She thought of the European travel system and how most countries were connected by train. _Start in one country and branch out._ It struck her. The three of together – Victoria, Juliet and Lily – had strengths within one European country, so why not combine those strengths?

"Oh my God, I didn't think of that!" Lily enthused, with a brilliant smile. "I grew up in Paris and still know people there," she turned to Juliet. "Hey, didn't you mention living in London while going to school before moving to Tokyo, Juliet?"

The dark-haired woman nodded with a polite smile on her lips and nodded.

"Cambridge. I did," she confirmed. Victoria remembered seeing that on her resume and still, she remained impressed. Victoria liked Juliet, her willingness to learn and her eagerness to take initiative. She saw a younger version of herself in her, a corporate kindred spirit. Really, a kindred spirit in general.

"And of course, Italy is your turf, Victoria," Lily continued. "This would be really fun!"

Victoria loved that she was in control of what she had created. She loved even more that she could watch it grow into something she could leave behind. Ultimately, Victoria was building her own legacy. Just hers. All hers.

"Yes," Victoria agreed finally and grinned. "We're bringing Brash & Sassy to Europe."

—

When she had the opportunity to work on another part of her company and get away just for herself, how could Victoria not take that opportunity. It would be nice to watch the Florentine sky come alive with every sunset while her blue eyes gazed at the faraway dome of the Duomo. She could hear the sharp noise of church bells, summoning the ones who had rosaries between their hands in prayer and wanderers alike, not sure what they had or wanted. In two days, Victoria would return her place of refuge and the anticipation made her smile, clouded her in a smoke of quiet joy and made the business day infinitely easier to get though.

—

In two days, Victoria had been at the office, putting in extra hours to ensure she got most of her work out of the way. Not only that, but she needed to be up early to ensure arrangements were made for Johnny, Katie and even Reed who didn't say more than two words to her these days. Usually, it would have incensed her but Victoria understood even though it stung and sometimes, she did cry. Johnny and Katherine were little, too wrapped up in wanting ice cream for breakfast and a new puppy to understand or care. Although, they did ask for their grandfather at times. Johnny wanted to play with Grandpa and liked to walk with him on the grounds while Katherine liked being in the stables with her pony, Cinnamon. Watching her father hoist his granddaughter up on Cinnamon's back made her remember her own childhood. Katherine loved horses like her.

Then again, Katie loved sports and it shocked Victoria how well her two-year-old daughter could find joy in athletics. Today, Katherine loved the Green Bay Packers and she was in love with Aaron Rodgers. But she also loved her dance class and her giggles were a beautiful sound. Johnny was just starting little league T-ball and he looked adorable in his little uniform.

On some days when she was alone, Victoria resented herself. She would wake up in the middle of the night, quietly pad downstairs and turn on the light. Then she would head to the kitchen and make herself a cup of herbal tea. Why did Dad do what he did? Why did he twist the system to use a grieving mother's pain as a weapon against his own son? Granted, Victoria didn't like Adam and didn't think of him all that much but she would admit that when she learned of the exploding cabin and how it all started with Dad, she became physically ill. Then Victoria became fearful as Nikki pinned both her and Nick with a look that said this was bigger than just them. It was about the family and everyone tied to it. For the sake of her livelihood and for the sake of her children, Victoria forced this monstrous thing to sit in the furthest part of her mind and locked it away with silence. _If your father goes down for this, so will we. All of us._

She had pushed Billy away because she did not trust her resolve to be strong around him. He was in Phyllis' bed now. Fine. It was his life and Victoria stopped having any say the day she signed the divorce papers. Victoria had heard his admission of missing Phyllis and now, he didn't have to miss her anymore. Victoria did miss his friendship. Were they headed on that same, familiar road to reconciliation? Maybe, but Billy's friendship mattered more to her. She had alienated Reed and pushed him so far. He was her first-born and one of the reasons she believed in finding optimism and fighting. Now, optimism was a fleeting concept.

Victoria let the warmth of her tea settle on her tongue before she sighed, quietly and set the yellow mug down. She was drowning, swimming against a current determined to shove her underwater until she sank down into oblivion and never surfaced again.

In the dead of night, the question presented itself with sharp clarity.

Would it have been so bad?

Would it have been so awful to sink into the waters of the Arno and never surface again?

—

"Oh, thank you," Victoria breathed into her cell phone with relief and a bit of tiredness. Still, she suppressed the urge to yawn. There was still so much to do with a limited amount of time to do it all. She had found the time to laugh a little. "London's a go? Thanks, Juliet. Yeah…yeah… I just have to confirm arrangements for my children and we'll leave this afternoon. Great. Thank you," she tapped a few keys on her laptop that lead her to her e-mail and focused a new e-mail, sent a new minutes ago. "Just got the itinerary. Again, thank you."

With a heaving sigh, Victoria hung up and tossed her phone on her desk. Her body felt worn and she seemed to run on little to no sleep, but Victoria wasn't keen on chasing it down. She ate when she could. Johnny's animal crackers and Katie's applesauce were going to have to do. Victoria smiled at the idea of sleeping on the flight to Milan and getting to experience authentic Italian gelato under a Florence sunset.

When Victoria plopped into her chair to silence the rattling in her head, she lifted her head to Reed's voice. Victoria saw her son's eyes darker shade of blue than hers. They carried frustration, yes, but could have had concern too.

He sat across from her and stared at her in silence.

"What are you doing here? You should be headed to class right now."

"My English class got cancelled and I have a free period after that. Johnny and Katie are with Hannah right now. Charlie's uncle has a sweet studio set-up so we're doing recording another cover before class. He's featuring this time," he explained and smiled a little. Victoria knew Charlie was very talented with rhyming and had the ability to do so on the spot. That Brash and Sassy one still amused her. "You gave me that idea, Mom, and I thought it was a cool one. Put a cover up on YouTube on Tuesdays and do Open Mic Night on Wednesdays to generate buzz. It's working. My subscribers are blowing up."

She would have never admitted it to him, but when she couldn't sleep, Victoria watched Reed's performances of original songs and ones he put his signature twist on.

"I'm proud of you, Reed," she admitted, genuinely.

"Really?"

"Yes," she raked a hand through her hair and forced herself not to cry when Victoria felt the weight of this awful secret sitting on her chest. "I know it looks like all I do is find ways to wreck your fun, but it's not like that. I just…" Victoria paused to untangle her words and make them coherent without breaking a silence she'd probably have to carry for life. "…I want you to be happy and successful. You're so tenacious and I'm impressed with you, truly."

"Thank you," he replied, not as tense as he was when he got here. "I know you don't wanna take everything from me but… I'm frustrated. I don't hate you. I never could. It's not even about the car anymore. I saw you last night."

"Saw me?"

"On the couch last night. I saw you sitting there quietly and you started crying. I woke up and wanted some water, so I was going to come downstairs and get some. I had no idea you were already there," Reed explained, touching his own hair. It almost made her smile. He had her nervous tick. He twisted a silver ring that rested on his index finger, his brow furrowed in thought. He added quietly, keeping his glance down before he looked at her again. "Johnny and Katie asked me something before I left."

She figured they would have asked their big brother to bring them candy or give then pepperoni pizza for breakfast with a fountain of soda. She also figured Reed would comply without her knowledge.

"What did they ask you?" Victoria inquired, with a light smile. "More candy?"

"No," Reed answered, with a shake of his head. "They asked me why you were so sad all the time. They said, _Why is Mommy sad?_ I want to know why, too. You don't sleep. You don't eat. You hide here. You and Billy are back to being weird and tense," he sighed, and she cringed at the undertone of sadness in his voice. "I've stopped being mad at you. I'm still frustrated and I hate feeling that too. What's going on?"

"I'm not hiding, sweetheart. There's just a lot you don't understand yet."

"I'm not a little kid. Make me understand. You and Dad always told me if I was going through stuff that I should talk. It's not just you. Grandma. Uncle Nick. They're being weird, too. I even asked Noah what was up, and he had no idea. So, help me understand. Please"

If it made Reed feel any better, Victoria didn't understand much either.

—

She thought of her late night visits with her brother and one of those visits entailed following him in her own car to where it happened. The cabin explosion. She could hear the soft bubbling of the lake and see how it shimmered when slivers of moonlight hit the surface at different angles. Nick stood as if he were rooted to the spot, eyes focused on an empty space where the cabin once stood. _I can still see the explosion in my head, Vick. I can still hear Chelsea screaming. It was one of the most terrifying things I had ever seen in my life._

She took her blue-eyed glance away from her brother and started at gaping space. It was all gone, even its foundation. There was nothing left of the cabin. Adam had died here. Victoria remembered all the times she called Adam a monster, a bastard and the devil himself. Now, she had come to the realization that her brother had been tranquilized and killed in an explosion of flames. She cracked the silence, looking at Nick with tearful eyes. _I… I never liked Adam. I don't think I ever will. Might have thought of doing a little happy dance because he was dead. But there were a few jarring moments I swore I could have seen the smallest glimpse of a soul in him. Connor is innocent, however, and he has no father._

 _Adam made me swear to watch out for him and I'll keep honoring that. I have to._

 _He's a bastard but he's our…brother. I can't believe I'm saying that._

 _Because it's true, Vick. He_ _ **is**_ _our brother._

Victoria remembered wiping tears away and touching Nick's arm. _You're a good man._

—

"I'm sorry you're frustrated with me, honey."

"Johnny and Katie know something's off with you, Mom. I've been a brat, I know. I'm sorry if I did anything…"

"Okay, stop," she ordered gently, looking her son in the eye. Victoria stood and came around her desk to really get a look at him. She had been wading neck deep in her own turmoil and Victoria hasn't used her periphery to see how that turmoil radiated out of her and touched everything she loved. "You did absolutely nothing wrong but I can't help you understand something when I'm trying to sort through it myself. "

"Okay, I guess…"

"I'm sorry I took the car away from you. I _hated_ doing that and I wanted to make it up to you when I get back from my trip."

"How?"

"I was thinking we could go to a dealership. You can meet me there after school, grab something to eat and we can go through what make or model car you want. But something environmentally friendly and sensible."

Reed's face lit up. "Are you serious?"

She shrugged, loosely. "It's on the table," Victoria then smiled and added. "Show me your three-point turn when I get back and it's something that can happen."

He stood from his chair and hoisted a strap of his backpack over his shoulder.

"Are you going to be okay?"

"With time, I will," Victoria answered, trying to sound reassuring. "It's not your job to worry about me. I'm the parent. I'll worry about you until you're sick of me. How's Kendall by the way? I like her."

"I wouldn't know," Reed rolled his eyes. " _Zoey's_ been texting me all morning."

"I'm not in a witchy mood. Promise. I've turned in my cauldron and witch's broom."

"No, you haven't."

Victoria smiled softly and touched his face. "For you, I wouldn't. But I will pull back. Fair?"

"Yeah, that's fair."

Reed went to hug her and she accepted it. He was taller than her, a feat that still amazed her. He still fit in her arms, the same way he had as a little baby swaddled in a powder blue blanket. In his face, she could still see remnants of child-like features and yet she saw shades of new ones that showed up, but yes, he was growing up. Reed was sixteen. Sixteen. Had it really been that long?

—

"Thanks for doing this, Mom."

Nikki smiled brightly, "Of course, I'm always happy to spend time with my grandchildren."

Victoria raised an eyebrow before frowning slightly. "Being away from Dad must be a bonus for you."

"As a matter of fact, it is…" Nikki answered, with an edge to her tone Victoria hadn't heard in years. Maybe there wasn't going to be any forgiveness and repair between her parents either. Victoria watched her mother shake her head with a scoff. "I went up to the cabin and it made me sick. I just had to see it and I knew we were doing the right thing."

"I agree. We are. But it's…so hard, Mom. I walk out of this house every day, trying to keep it together. Just trying to act normal and go about my business. But then, I see Brash and Sassy doing better than ever. I watch my kids play and be happy," Victoria explained, as she sat on the couch in the middle of her packing. "The car is still a sore subject, but Reed and I are working through it."

"Oh. Sweetheart, that's great."

"Yeah. I even made him a deal. He has to show me a three-point turn and I'll take him to the dealership so we can go through what kind of car he likes and discuss it," Victoria sighed, and stood again, grabbing a shirt and absentmindedly folding it. She dropped it in her suitcase, her purse and other bags on the stairs. "It was hard saying goodbye to all three of them this morning but this trip will be good."

A concerned look landed on her mother's features and Victoria folded her arms around herself. The heat of Nikki's questioning gaze burned her skin.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I just can't help wondering. You're promoting Brash & Sassy in Europe but I feel like you staying in Europe a few more days is your way of running."

"Mom, I'm not running," Victoria answered, with a wry smile. "I'm going back to a place where I was the happiest."

Nikki smiled gently and touched the end of her hair.

"I know what this has cost you. I'm so sorry, baby."

Victoria glanced down, pushing memories of custard tarts and impromptu arcade days out of her head. If she could scrub the heartbroken look of Billy's face and the pain in his eyes away, that would have been better. If she could stifle the distant burning resentment she carried for her parents – her father for doing it, and her mother telling her – could be doused, Victoria would function as much as she liked to.

"My children are the reason I'm doing this. It didn't cost me anything."

"Not even Billy?"

"Not even him," Victoria touched her hair and kept her tone steady. She was certain and though, she was sorry. She was always going to be sorry. But perhaps, it was for the best. "We'll hurt each other in the end."

* * *

 **1.**

If Victoria knew ahead of time this was going to be happening or she'd had any idea, she would have laughed. She would have said this wasn't going to never ever happen because they weren't much of anything aside from parents. But here she was. They had been in love, been together and then ended with so much blood drawn, it tore their son apart. Now, it was a lifetime ago, their son's birth somewhere far, far away but in the forefront of her mind.

Victoria wasn't in love with him anymore, and never was going to be. Yet she was surprised by his presence here in Milan, and even more surprised by his life now. Where his wedding ring was, was a tan line. He was still baby-faced, but a light beard had made him slightly rugged. It was an interesting look. Yet here she was, wrapped up in the sheets of her hotel bed. He was in Milan by accident, a circumstance that was welcome but unexpected. Here she was being kissed by him so deeply and intensely she felt as though her heart would burst. In turn, Victoria kissed with the same greed and fervor. Her body reacted before her head had a chance and she wouldn't have her heart interrupting. It was just one night.

He broke away first, staring up at her, head running through her hair. She remembered how he tasted, how he felt, and how they had come together the first time. Time went backward and then stopped. They weren't divorced. They weren't married. They weren't. They weren't lovers either. Were they friends? Maybe. _Maybe_.

"Victoria…I…"

"Don't…" she rasped and pulled him back to her. "Stop talking…please," she whispered against his lips. When she did, he didn't break away from her. She was coming undone, spilling open and it was fine. It was fine because he was too. It was needed. This was cathartic, good for one moment in time that would never happen again. With every thrust, every breath, and every eruption, she couldn't breathe. Finally, Victoria cried out as he spilled into her and came, saying his name. He broke her name in a rough, husky tone and put it together in a different way. She didn't mind. When he orgasmed, so did she. She fell against JT spent, listening to his heartbeat. It was racing as much as hers was. JT wrapped his arms around her and Victoria felt his nose in her hair. Out of force of a re-discovered habit, Victoria placed a soft kiss to his chest. She lay in the silence with her ex-husband and enjoyed it once everything stopped blurring together. She wasn't sorry for this. She never would be.

—

Victoria, Juliet, and Lily were more than successful in their Brash & Sassy European Escapade. The interviews and television appearances in each country generated so much buzz, her phone had been ringing off the hook. She smiled a little at the thought of Jabot feeling tremors so deeply it shook the very foundation of the building. Jordan was even nice enough to have her be the subject of some photographs, not as Brash & Sassy's fearless leader, but as her. _You have own power, and elegance and I was wondering if I could capture that on film_. _You as the personification of Brash & Sassy. _He proposed he use a few for his portfolio so she agreed and they almost took her breath away. Victoria had to remember to thank Lily for those pointers.

They were stunning. Her in a black gown with a sweetheart neckline, dark hair styled beautifully and her makeup done so flawlessly. The red statement lip was a nice touch. And then it began. Here Victoria was posing with every flash of Jordan's camera. _Yes, Victoria. That's it. Beautiful._ For a few minutes, Victoria felt like she was wearing a second skin. Maybe it was the magic of Italy flowing through and around her, but it made her intoxicated and she didn't want to come down. When Victoria let her hair down and let it fall free, they landed in its natural tousled way, and off Jordan went again. She felt powerful. She felt fierce. She felt as if she truly as the world was underneath her heels. _Last one,_ Jordan had yelled to her over the soft hum of fan that blew through her hair and gave her goosebumps.

Then it was over and God, these photos made her look almost ethereal.

"I have to say," Jordan said, flipping through shots on his camera when she returned to the studio after changing out of the gown. Victoria wore a blouse with a blazer and jeans and had just put on her heeled shoes. She brushed up the high ponytail, "these are the money shots."

"Please. This was all you."

"You looked like you've been doing this your whole life," Lily complimented her.

"No, no…you're the professional. This was fun, I admit, but I'll leave this to you."

Victoria looked at Juliet, who was concentrating with the constant buzzing on her phone. Juliet must have sensed she was being looked at because she looked up and with a light pink blush on her cheeks apologized. "Oh! I'm so sorry. I had the idea that in business, perception and information is everything. You wanted to ramp up Brash & Sassy's social media presence. So, I posted a shot of you and Lily. And then your individual ones," Juliet smiled, showing Victoria and Lily her phone. "'Brash and Sassy' is trending."

She gasped. It _was_. _Feelin' Brash and Sassy._

Tweets from people all over the world.

"Another of your brilliant ideas, Juliet."

"Thank you, Victoria."

"Okay, that's it!" Lily laughed. "Drinks. Dancing. Clubbing in Milan. We have to celebrate."

—

It was a night of old friends and acquaintances of the past coming together. This night was fun and she had never danced so much in her life. Victoria felt exhilarated yet exhausted. Lily and Jordan elected to stay on the multi-coloured dance floor and reminiscence about the old days, while Juliet had met up with a friend from their Cambridge days. People danced to music familiar to her ears, and others that weren't. Couples danced closely and friends laughed. There might have been a brawl that was about to start but never quite came to blows over one reason or another. The Italian was too coherent for Victoria to understand and she didn't care.

The music was loud and it sounded a series of aftershocks underneath her feet. Even in her short burgundy class hair styled in a half up-do with a pair of feel-good heels, Victoria wasn't drawn to the dance floor. She didn't want to stay with the sweet Italian men who called her beautiful, told her it was a sin for someone as gorgeous as her to be alone or bought her a drink or two. Victoria elected to go onto the terrace with her drink in its tall glass and take in the scenery.

She had no idea what this drink was called, but it was a light blue colour with a taste that was sweet yet a sharp acidity that settled in the back of her throat. Still, she drank it with her straw as her eyes surveyed Milan's skyline. The low buildings were shrouded in darkness now, families peacefully asleep. It all looked like a painting it would have days to complete. Blue eyes swept over the expanse as they landed on the pointed ivory tips of the Cathedral de Santa Maria Nascente. When Victoria allowed her vision to go a bit further, she could see the snow tipped mountains of the Alps.

Perhaps, when she had lived a fulfilling life, her children grown and out of her house, she would trade her empty nest for a villa in Florence for semi-retirement.

 _Maybe,_ she thought, a smile pulling at her lips.

A familiar voice snapped her out of her fantasy, and she felt the threads of recognition began to weave themselves tightly. Those threads snapped when Victoria matched the face to the voice. It was him. It wasn't every day that a person ended up away from one ex-husband only to come across another.

"Victoria?"

"What are you doing here, JT?" she blinked at him, confused. "You're supposed to be in Warsaw with Mackenzie."

He walked up to her, hands buried in the pockets of his jeans and shrugged with a smile.

"I am," he explained. "I was in Rome for work. Just wrapped up and a buddy of mine recommended I check Milan out. Not bad. I like it."

Victoria took another sip of her half-full drink.

"Me too," she agreed, with a nod. She released a breath. "But I'm dying to get out of here."

"Okay. Let's go. I can use a walk myself."

For the sole reason that it was nice to see a familiar face, Victoria left the club with him.

—

 _I'm heading back to the hotel. Tired._

 _But job well done. This was such a success. Have fun tonight. You all deserve it._

 _I'm headed to Florence soon._

—

Victoria wanted nothing more than to run to Florence, but it was her last night in Milan.

So, why not explore it with someone who had become a friend?

* * *

 **2.**

When Victoria woke up, it wasn't quite morning yet. The sky in Milan was just on the fringes of bursting with colour. Houses she perceived to be asleep were slowly touched by Milan's sun. When Victoria was just waking up, she knew Genoa City was just in night time darkness in the middle of their dream and nightmares. She rolled over and blinked twice, working to have her sight adjust to the form to her in bed. Victoria rubbed her eyes getting the remnants of sleep out of them. She figured he would have left in the middle of the night with a note and honestly, she wouldn't have been outraged or offended. Instead, she shifted her body, pulling the sheets close to it and from her view, he was still here. Victoria sighed, resting against the wooden headboard and combing her hair back with a hand in an effort to tame it.

She was staring at JT now, his face peaceful in his sleep as the sheets hung low on his hips. It was nothing she hadn't seen before but this was new and strange. She remembered his muscular arms and how they had caught her when she stumbled, just a bit too tipsy, how she had laughed and locked her arms around his neck loosely when he was pressed up against her so closely not even air was between them. Victoria tried to remember when she had been kissed by him. Or, maybe Victoria had kissed him. Her head pounded and it hurt to sort the sequence of events from last night.

Her blue eyes lingered on JT's face and for a time, she stared and try to match his features to ones Reed had inherited but their son favoured her. Perhaps, Reed's hair and his eyes were hers and when he truly smiled, people saw her. But yes, JT and Reed had the same ears and maybe even, the same nose. The fact of the matter was Victoria had slept with her ex-husband and it filled her with more confusion than regret.

Maybe because in Italy, things happened slower. People were more carefree and stress seemed to be a foreign concept. There was no tension in her body, no need for her Type A personality to come to the fore and no need for her mind to race. It was a culmination of a real conversation over good wine, being nostalgic and at some points, bearing some truths long kept silent. While the trust between Victoria and Billy was all but rubble and ash, she learned that beneath the façade of marital stability had cracked underneath the weight of festering tension. The divorce was about to be finalized and for all intents and purposes, Mac was single and so was he.

Victoria pulled away and her blue-eyed gaze from him while he slept a little longer than she did. Her mind still raced though not as quickly as it did in Genoa City.

How did two people completely out of love – because they were and would never be in love again – build different lives in separate orbits, only to meet in the same place and run parallel?

"Shit," Victoria cursed, softly under her breath. She closed her eyes for a minute only to feel him shift in bed, and she met his sleepy gaze. She pulled her legs underneath her. "Sorry, I shouldn't have…" she trailed off, a small thrill of panic striking her. "I… didn't... I'm just sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

"S'okay…" JT replied, shifting in bed before he yawned and pulled himself up, back against the headboard like her. The only difference is, he still had the sheets at his hips. "Wow."

"Did we do the right thing?" she inquired, unsure of the question much less the answer.

"Well, I'm not going to say it was wrong."

"It was nice seeing you and I love that we don't have that resentment anymore, but I didn't plan on…" Victoria gestured between them, "…this."

"Neither did I. It's crazy…"

"That's one way to describe it. Guess we got caught up in remembering."

"It wasn't all bad between us but I do regret something," JT admitted, with a slight frown. "I took Reed away from you and… I don't know, I was angry with you and there was Victor and at the time, I needed my kid as far away from Genoa City. But Reed needed you. I hated how sad he got when you came by and had to go," he explained, and Victoria sniffled, quietly, tears pooling in her eyes unexpectedly. "I'm sorry."

She glared at him, memories of crying in the shower and sometimes, in the middle of the night. Victoria forgot how a dark cloud of depression settled on and followed her around, how Victoria searched desperately for reasons to smile when there were none. There were those dark days when the emotional scabs fell off and Victoria all over again. It was as if cool, pristine glass had been splattered with blood that streaked it and dripped off the edges in rivulets.

Somehow her glare faltered because the lump in her throat hurt more.

"Thank you for saying that," she said, softly, looking away from him. Victoria turned to look at him again. She remembered how their marriage wrapped itself into beautiful knots and pretty bows. With one tug of frustration and another of resentment, the ribbons fell and so did their little family. "I'm sorry, too."

A pause hung in the air before JT shifted in bed, moving to get out of it. "I should go. Check with Mac and make sure she's holding down the fort."

"I know the feeling. Don't worry about it."

While JT slipped out of bed and found his pants, Victoria reached her recently upgraded phone screen down on her night table. The orange case fit snugly over her new iPhone 7 and she was concentrated on her phone. A plethora of twitter notifications, texts, voicemails, e-mails and phone calls waited for her.

"Hey, Victoria?"

JT did always say her name in that way – keeping the first syllable borderline silent while emphasizing the rest. In marriage, it made her love him. In divorce, it enraged her. Now, in friendship, it amused her. It was nice to her again.

Victoria shifted her line of vision from her phone to his face. He had his pants on now, but he was shirtless.

"Can you see if my shirt is on your side? I can't seem to, uh, find it…"

Victoria pulled a lock of hair behind her ear, scanning the room for the missing piece of article. When that didn't work, she tossed her phone in the folds on her bed. She shifted around, still keeping the sheets close to her body and reached over the side of the bed. Victoria did another scan and found the article of clothing near one of her heeled shoes. Her dress and bra made their presence known. Even under the intoxication of wine and nostalgia, she remembered the way JT pulled those articles of clothing off her body while pressing kisses to the top of her back.

She shook the flash of memory out of her head and locked it away, like putting an old Polaroid picture placed in a shoe box never to be opened again.

"Found it…"

Grabbing the light blue shirt, Victoria held the shirt out to him and he took it and shrugging it on.

"Thanks."

"I know it's not my place to ask, but are you and Mackenzie going to be okay?"

"I don't know," he answered, sliding his arm into a sleeve. JT shot her a pointed glance. "Are you and Billy going to be okay?"

Something like guilt stabbed her guilt, giving her pain that was sharp when she inhaled.

Victoria met his look with her own frosty one. "I don't know."

—

JT worked at buttoning his shirt, while Victoria tapped at her phone screen with her dark-rimmed reading glasses worn on her face. Sometimes, she wore them just to read. Other times, Victoria wore them to be different and it added to her business look at work and otherwise. People seemed to look at her once because she entered a room and again when they looked at her face and noticed the rare accessory. She took them off and set them on the night table.

As a married couple, JT responded seriously, no. They weren't going to be okay but as co-parents who were divorcing amicably, they had to be okay for DJ and Leah's sake. The marriage had started being tense with breast cancer that was caught early. It had resulted in a double mastectomy which was rough. "Then she resented me because she thought I didn't find her attractive anymore. It made me resent her because I was husband, and I wasn't enough," he said, and Victoria watched his jaw lock and his Adam's apple bob up and down in his throat. "It was tense all the time. Then Leah was born and there was post-partum depression…"

"I'm so sorry…"

"Thank you. She's fine now but it damaged us but we're divorcing with no bitterness. I want to do this co-parenting thing right with DJ and Leah," he said finally and added. "I wanted to make the co-parenting thing work with you too. As angry as I was, I did. We didn't exactly do that the first time."

"What?" Victoria asked, with confusion and stared at him as if he had grown six extra heads. She exhaled, trying to stop the irritation bubbling underneath her skin. There wasn't much since a sheet still surrounded her and she'd look for her robe later. "We're thousands of miles away from the States. After always telling me you are the custodial parent, you want to make co-parenting work? Who are you and what have you done with JT Hellstrom?" she continued, rubbing her temple in exasperation. "I want to co-parent with you. I don't want to be a visitor in Reed's life anymore. In a perfect world, it would work but I'm learning it's not perfect… it's just an illusion."

"It doesn't have to be if we're in the same state. Look, I want to do things over. Leah is a baby, DJ isn't three anymore and Reed… He needs both of us."

"He did try to play us against each other."

"Exactly. So, I'm okay with working together. United front. We only have two years left. Paul was more than happy to have me back as a private investigator for the GCPD, and Mac was offered the Executive Director position at one of the shelters your mom is opening up. I'll have own place and Mac will live at Katherine's. So, we decided to move back to Genoa City by summer. Reed is going to have both of us on top of him so much until he can't stand it."

Victoria groaned and chuckled. "Sure we can't keep him little forever? Just hit rewind and freeze it to when he liked when I baked him cookies and sang him to sleep. Now, he has his license. _His license_. He's all about Slash, The Doors, Metallica, Guns N' Roses and girls…ugh…"

"Wait. You know Guns N' Roses?"

She playfully glared at her ex-husband and swatted his arm.

"I am not that musically ignorant. I had a crush on Jim Morrison in boarding school and frankly, I'm more of a Nirvana girl."

"You did make me sing Purple Rain when you were pregnant and I remember you crying while watching the movie."

"Never doubt the power of Prince," she rebutted, with a smile, laughing. "I was heavy with carrying your son and the hormones. You can't blame me. Besides, Prince and Apollonia were beautiful."

JT sat on the bed next to her, after finding her night robe and handing to her.

He laughed, too. Victoria realized it felt good to do that, and it had been a while. It almost felt like forever and a day.

"It's wild, Victoria," JT marveled. His blue eyes sparkled. "Our boy just grew up."

She glanced at him, offering him a smile. "Guess we changed too, didn't we?"

"Yeah," he answered, looking at her like he had the first time, although it seemed like a lifetime ago. It had been several lifetimes. Their story was not a book to be continued but a chapter. It was a chapter they like to drift into but never stayed in. These new pages had been added to her life book and Victoria promised she would never tear at these new additions. JT found and held her hand. It was an action of understanding, of renewed warmth so Victoria let JT's hand settle and the fingers automatically linked. "You're right. We did."

* * *

 **3.**

JT needed to be headed in Warsaw's direction while Victoria anticipated being swept into Florence. So, with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, they parted, promising to see each other in the summer. Florence was where Leonardo DiVinci put his genius on display. It was the birthplace of Europe's rebirth. It was the epicenter of the Renaissance exploded, it's shockwaves reverberating throughout the continent to the furthest ends. She showered, choosing a simple sun dress with light makeup and her hair in a casual half up-do.

Victoria smiled politely at the waitress who brought her a cup of Espresso and thanked her. A car with her things stood at the entrance of the hotel. She would have taken the train and watched the Italian city blended into the Italian countryside, but she had to get to the apartment she had rented for the time being and settle in. When Victoria situated herself back into the Florentine landscape like a jigsaw puzzle piece lost and found, she'd explore as nobody who knew her name or its significance.

She took a careful sip of her espresso and set the white teacup on its saucer. Victoria got through the calls, the voicemails and even some of the twitter buzz from the Brash & Sassy had her notifications on fire. In the middle of another text message back and forth with Reed, her phone buzzed and Billy's face illuminated the screen. Victoria slid her finger across the screen to answer it. She was 4,526 miles away with an ocean in the middle and yet here she was being yanked back.

"Billy, hey," Victoria answered while taking another sip of espresso. This time, there was more bitterness than sweetness in her mouth. "Are the kids okay?"

"Yeah…the kids are fine. They miss you."

"It's at least 5 AM there."

Victoria thought how amazing it would have been to bring her children here and show them why Italy wrapped up in its own history in the past, magic in the present and the painting of future dreams. She had visions of Katherine's giggles and sweet smile andJohnny being his own ball of energy. She even missed Reed driving her crazy with the sounds of a rough electric guitar. Not surprisingly, she grew to tolerated it. It was just another sound added to the soundtrack of her house.

"I know."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Victoria smiled softly, realizing how much she missed her kids.

"I miss them. I'll be back soon in a week. Please don't tell me you and Cane haven't reached the homicidal stage."

Billy chuckled, "Well, there might been a little blood drawn…."

"Billy…"

"Everything's fine, Vick," he replied, seriously and Victoria let her gaze drift to the black car and her key to Florence. She needed this. "The orders for Dare _and_ Bare are piling up after that photo shoot you and Lily did in Milan."

"Anything to have Jabot running scared."

"That's the plan."

"Okay. So, I've got to get going. Give the kids a hug and lots of kisses for me."

"Of course."

There was a pause that hung in the air that seemed to make times slow down. Victoria had to hang up and let go before it stopped completely and she was left stuck. She couldn't be stuck. She had to travel. She had to keep moving for her mother, for her brother, and the three children she was incredibly blessed to have.

"Goodbye, Billy," she whispered, softly and hung up.

She stared at her home screen, the picture behind the downloaded games for the kids and other apps she needed for one reason or another. It was one that she held close to her heart and never really posted anywhere. One of those intimate pictures only a mother could stare at for hours and cherish. Reed was asleep on the couch with Katherine asleep nestled on his lap and Johnny slept on the other side under the shelter of Reed's arm.

This.

These three was her bliss. These were her sources of joy and even with this damn secret, Victoria had three reasons to keep moving. This secret wrapped in knots but she would find a way to be loosened. This secret was a shadow in her sleep but Victoria would find a way to hope for the smallest sliver of light. She took one last sip of her coffee and set it down for the last time. The blonde waitress with hazel eyes came back with a warm disposition while Victoria fished around in her bag for some Euros to pay. She put the money down on the counter and smiled, "Grazie."

"Prego."

The waitress grinned and took the empty cup and saucer away.

Victoria stood up from the stool and walked toward the black car.

Florence was where she could disappear. It was where she was camouflaged. It was where Victoria could stop running and be quiet. There was peace in Florence.

So, she smiled at the thought of feeling that again.

—

Victoria sat in the back of the car, the Milanese landscape blended into different colors that bled and twisted together. It was like she was looking into a kaleidoscope. The colors were moving, shifting and twisting in and out of each other. It's how she saw Genoa City and Florence right now. Things that reminded of her home blended into other things that made her nostalgic for Florence. As the car carried her out of Milan through the long arduous route to Bologna, Victoria observed the colours shift and mingle underneath the afternoon sky. She was carried through roadways that showed her the green expanse of green countryside. Victoria saw streets that were lined with cafes. She watched friends drink wine and laugh. Victoria was in a blur caused by speed, turns, and twists. Children played soccer in the streets, while Victoria looked up and saw the steeples of churches built centuries ago.

Their bells rang out even though it was muffled no doubt, signaling church services. She saw clear waters of streams that acted like large arteries that broke off into smaller veins. The waters held the blood of Italy and Victoria was back, woven in between the pauses between one heartbeat to the next. Part of her felt selfish for thinking this way. Another part of her glanced down at the picture that stayed on her home screen phone. She missed Reed, Johnny, and Katherine and right about now, they were simply asleep.

Victoria held the thought of her kids up in her mind and twisted them many times over in her brain the way Johnny twisted his shoelaces in his little hands until they had formed a floppy bow. She braided the thought of Nick and her mother around in her lungs until she could feel their strings between every inhale and exhale of breath. For the next two and a half hours in silence, Victoria wrapped herself in the thoughts of her children and her family. When the car was slowing down to reach the villa she had rented, Victoria stepped out to look at it. She was looking at the 15th-century villa apartment she had rented for three days. Maybe even four if that small twinge of yearning grew into the all-encompassing need to stay in her Italian Wonderland.

The walls of the structure was an ivory block with an archway opening that was also lined with brick but of a copper colour. The door was a dark mahogany, the grain streaked with a light shade of wood that resembled oak. It didn't look grand on the outside not that Victoria minded that. In fact, she welcomed it. The closer to her old apartment, the better.

The car stopped, finally. After three hours of thought patterns that raced, slowed and floated in no direction at all, Victoria was happy to be mentally still. Her mind would race tomorrow but today, she was stationery. Apartments slightly shorter than hers lined the streets going in both directions. She raised her blue eyes to gaze at the Duomo, its dome more prominent than when she was here last. She swore she could touch it.

The heavy, melodious sound of church bells punched in the air with unseen holes. It allowed whispered prayers in Italian to seep through. They permeated the air, intertwined into a soft wind that blew loose. The wind lifted strands of her hair and raised the bottom of her sundress ever so slightly. It made Victoria feel as though she had floated here. The driver was a slight man, younger than her with hard features that are softened by the kindness in his green eyes. Roberto. During the ride, Victoria had carried on a conversation smoothly in Italian. To her surprise and quiet amusement, he spoke perfect English although it was tinged with an Italian accent.

Roberto met her eyes quickly through the front mirror. Although she couldn't see it, Victoria could hear the smile in his voice.

"American television is a great teacher."

Victoria filled in the gaps of silence by asking basic autobiographical questions that gave a person colour without the shading and contrast. Colour was enough for her.

She asked him about his family. His mother, two brothers and his father who had passed when he was too young to remember or understand. His hometown. Bologna. Was he married? No, he was engaged to his girlfriend, Stefania. Did he have children? No, not yet but he hoped for five. In turn, she told him she already had three – two boys and a little girl.

Roberto was a soft-spoken man who exuded a peaceful presence. She didn't know him all that well, but Victoria liked that about him and she realized she also liked _him_ generally.

He was formal and polite as he stepped out of the car to remove her bags from the trunk of the car with ease and diligence. He did everything without complaining, Victoria could tell. She hadn't packed that heavily. Just enough to remind her that Genoa City was not going to fade away and to hold on to it. Victoria moved to help him with her last bag and Roberto stopped her.

"No," he said, shaking his head with vehemence and set it down. He looked at with a frown and furrowed his brow almost the way Nick did when he was deep in his own head or wrought with irritation. "My mother would turn my palms red with her wooden spoon if I allowed you to carry your own bags."

"It's not a problem at all for me. I promise."

Victoria tried to offer a reassuring smile. She knew how Italian men were but still, this wasn't a problem for her. She was strong enough to carry her own bags. Roberto's eyes shone with conviction and they were piercing. "You are right. It is more than a problem. It is _a sin."_

The same soft wind that played with the edges of Victoria's sundress rumbled Roberto's russet coloured hair.

"Why is it a sin?"

"Because it is wrong to have anyone carry something so heavy," he says, looking her in the eye before Roberto softened and offered her a boyish smile. " _Benvenuti a Firenze_ , _Signorina Newman._ _Arrivederci_."

"Ciao, Roberto. Thank you."

 _It is a sin. It is wrong to have anyone carry something so heavy._

There it was. There was that growing yearning to stay that fourth night, a seventh night, a fourteenth day and maybe, forever. But it couldn't happen. Reality kept from sinking. Reality kept Victoria from fading into Florence history and landscape. Reality kept Victoria from a kind of rebirth that guaranteed she would have never set foot on American soil again. Her children pulled her home. Reed, Johnny, and Katherine pushed her plane across the Atlantic, pushed her feet across the arrival and made her heart burst when she got home and saw them. Victoria couldn't possibly stay in Florence. It didn't mean a small part of her wished she could.

—

The inside of the villa apartment was designed in a theme of ivory, greys, and splash of teal blue to give the place some colour. Victoria noted it bore a strong resemblance to her house back home and the same kind of feel. It was homey and warm, but the difference was it had an air of luxury. The downstairs was medium sized with light dark blue couch, a marble coffee table with a clear vase of white roses. The dark wooden mantle was clear of any real trace of previous renters and the fireplace underneath remained as it is – a bottom of grey soot and ash, but no active flame or embers.

The carpet was plush and a soft grey and when Victoria looked up toward the side of the kitchen of the apartment, there was a simple wooden staircase. So, there was a second floor here. The kitchen was simple with an island table, a stove with four burners. The fridge was a metallic silver with double doors with black handles. The counter was white with teal coloured cupboards. When Victoria abandoned her bags to walk over and opened the cupboards, she smiled – grinned, actually.

Everything she needed to make a meal and eat one was at her disposal and thoughts of what she could make herself piled up in her head. Maybe a simple fettuccine alfredo. Or, maybe a fresh Caprese salad. Maybe even something with chorizo sausage. There were so many possibilities and there were many grocery stores and carts with freshly grown vegetables. Victoria decided to go shopping after she took a shower. She needed to freshen up and she was starving.

Victoria combed her hair back with a sigh that had been sitting on her chest for a while. She walked over to the window and opened it slightly to allow the fresh air. It was a cool and soothing when she inhaled it. It was as if Victoria had been baptized and did not emerge. Her lungs had expanded widely enough to hold her breath just a little longer.

—

The master bedroom was beautiful.

Victoria marveled at the solid black and white theme of her master bedroom. The king sized bed was made with a black and white duvet with hard, modern lines. The pillows were also arranged intricately so the bed wasn't just an object. It was something to sleep in for however many hours there are in her sleep cycle. Victoria felt, for the first time, that this bed would allow her to hold this secret. She could stop it from burrowing deeper into her subconscious and kept it from dragging its claws across the surface of her brain. Victoria glanced up and could appreciate the medium sized chandelier that glittered when slivers of sunlight hit it at different angles.

Only then could she dream of Delia as she was: joyful, giggling and still having bright smile Katherine undoubtedly inherited. Most of all she was alive. It would push the nightmares that left her jumping awake and shaking, vivid pictures of Delia broken and alone in the dark branded underneath her eyelids.

The master bathroom matched the bedroom, elegantly designed with a long counter with a rectangular shaped mirror. The taps and the sinks were sliver, although the ends of the taps have pearl white tips. The standing shower was big enough for two and a clear sliding door. Victoria also imagined a day when she could soak in the big tub, letting the warm water seep through her skin into her bones.

"La dolce vita," Victoria whispered with her laugh bouncing off the bathroom walls.

The good life. The sweet life.

* * *

 **4.**

After a light lunch of that Caprese salad and a shower she still felt, Victoria grabbed her laptop, a cup of tea and headed up the stairs to her room.

She felt relaxed in a light airy off the shoulder top in coral and comfortable in black leggings. Victoria sighed, contentedly. Church bells were the soundtrack she heard. The Arno flowed, slowly, its surface glittered as though diamonds lay beneath the surface. She took one more sip of her warm tea and true to form, got to work.

Victoria rested in the frenzy of her corporate mind. Her fingers were rhythmic and methodical as they tapped against the keyboard. There was e-mail after e-mail. Response and response. Even when separated by countries and oceans, Victoria fielded phone calls. She set the groundwork, holding negotiations on the borderline of success. Other negotiations between Brash and Sassy and European distributors were beautifully weaving together. Victoria never lost her drive to have Brash and Sassy continue to soar like a phoenix.

There was no leeway for control when it came to a secret threatening to rip their family in half. However, there was control over Brash & Sassy though. _Always._

—

Victoria was focused on answering yet another e-mail when a ringing sound and notification for a video chat obstructed her e-mail in construction.

 **NICK NEWMAN CALLING…**

Victoria clicked **ACCEPT** and instantly, her brother's face appeared in front of her. She recognized the background as the Underground, although it was in morning light. She could tell because it was relatively empty with no patrons. Must have been about 8 in the morning, Genoa City time. It was where they shared hushed secrets over drinks and mutual tension. It was also where Victoria found her brother uncharacteristically drunk but understood why. It was the product of pain, anger, and frustration. She knew that his type spilled out everywhere while hers was internal and burned her insides like acid.

—

Victoria woke up one morning with a strong need for advice. She needed someone to tell her this was best for all of them. Victoria needed her level-headed brother to stop her from breaking her own resolve with a wrecking ball. Nick needed to hell for her own sanity that there was a way to be honest without destroying themselves and all they loved. There had to be a way to protect their mother from going to jail for aiding and abetting.

When she got to the tackhouse, Amy had Christian on her hip when she opened the door. Victoria's eyes landed on her little nephew and she greeted him.

"Oh, my goodness. There's my sweet nephew. You're so big…"

She tickled his tummy and received a smile revealing little teeth in return. Christian babbled happily and put his toy in his mouth.

Victoria shifted her gaze over to the young woman at the door again. When she asked of Nick, Amy informed her of Nick saying something about how to be at the Underground early to oversee an incoming shipment. He had kissed Faith and Christian goodbye a few minutes after she had arrived.

"Faith's mother came by to take her to school and I've been with Christian all morning. I'll tell him you came by, Victoria."

Victoria tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Thank you, Amy."

She said goodbye to Christian with a gentle rub to his cheeks – she just wanted to squeeze them – and drove to the Underground a little faster than usual.

—

Despite the **CLOSED** sign being up, Victoria walked into the Underground. She supposed it was open so Nick could keep the customers at bay and deal with his maelstrom of emotions. Victoria did not have to search far for him. Nick sat in a booth, taking a swig of Jack Daniel's whiskey from the bottle. The bottle was three-quarters empty and her brother winced as this new mouthful traced another fire trail down his throat. He was completely drunk and Victoria almost found herself being envious.

"Mornin' Vick… Look! It's my favourite sister!"

"Don't let Abby hear you say that."

"Who?" Nick questioned and then snapped his fingers in recognition. "Ohhh her. Abby's crawling on glass at Newman. 'Member when… when we used to? Good times."

Victoria sat across from him as he took another swig of liquor.

"You're drunk."

"If you frown like that, your face'll stay that way," Nick replied with a slur and a laugh. "Mom said so and we…gotta keep quiet," he added in a whisper, bringing his index finger to his lips. "Shhh…. Be quiet or—or shit gets boom everywhere…like Adam. He went," Nick took another swig. Another internal flame that made him wince, "everywhere…there, there, there and there and then," Nick slapped the edge of the table with a fist, making her flinch. "BOOM!"

Victoria reached over and grabbed the bottle before Nick could snatch it from her. For once, she was thankful for his slow reaction time. Sober, he had her beat there.

"You're lucky I like you," Nick said and then frowned. "Give it…"

"No. You have to sober up."

"Mmmm," he laughed again and started to sing. "Hello from the sober side…."

 _Adele,_ Victoria internally groaned. Nick was drunkenly ripping the singer's lyrics apart and putting them together again in ways that didn't fit. Any other time, she would have found this humorous. Victoria would have even gotten video now to serve a purpose later in the spirit of the big sister-little brother relationship. This time was different. Nick's level-headedness was gone and this made Victoria's resentment towards this horrible situation grow. It was like an open wound trying to heal in vain.

"We lie and lie a thousand times…" Nick continued singing, drunken slur more pronounced. He stopped singing suddenly and looked at Victoria with stormy eyes. They reminded her of earthquakes that shook foundations out of place and ripped the earth open. "We're so…damaged, Vick. Not a damn Newman until you hurt people and…crush them. Stupid _fucking_ secret…"

 _Why the hell would I ever get involved with you romantically? I'd be insane to do that and honestly, I'd be happier chewing glass!_

The harshness and sharp edges of her own voice rang in Victoria's head. It stretched itself against the walls of her skull causing her to cringe as though she had been cut. In some weird way, Victoria was painfully bleeding with each passing day. Nick was in his own way shedding blood on his own.

"I can't do this," Nick admitted finally. Sobriety was being shown through the dark cloud of whiskey-induced intoxication. He was truthful and the weight of the world seemed to rest on his broad shoulders. Nick seemed to bend under it so much, it reminded Victoria of Atlas. "Can't hurt 'er anymore. Chelsea."

"Hey…hey… look at me," Victoria said, softly and held Nick's head across the table. He let her and she found comfort in that. Maybe this was more valuable than the advice she sought. Besides, Nick was no condition to give her that. She smiled, reassuringly. "We'll do it together, okay?"

Nick smiled back and then groaned, rubbing his head.

"Victoria?"

"Yes."

"I gotta 'nother secret. Wanna know?"

"Sure," Victoria chuckled.

"I'm really, really drunk… and I really, really, _really_ love you."

Victoria moved from being across from him to being beside him. She let him pass out and rest his head on her shoulder despite being much bigger than her and affectionately touched his hair.

"I love you too, Nick."

Yet Victoria had to wonder. If this secret could have Nick leave his sobriety behind, what would this secret do to her?

How would this secret destroy _her_?

—

Here was Nick again with Victoria in Florence.

There was no physical presence. She couldn't touch him. She couldn't hug him. But she missed him and felt him just as strongly. He could have very well flown out to Italy to be with her.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"How's Florence?"

"Amazing," Victoria said, with a smile. "I remembered why I love this place. How's Genoa City?"

"It's fine aside from the Victoria Newman sized hole in it."

Emotional sandpaper rubbed itself against the hardness of her sternum and agitation wrapped itself around the column of Victoria's spine multiple times over. It squeezed its body full of muscle and sank its fingers into hard bone. She lost her smile and her happiness in that moment. Nick was treading lightly with her. He was walking a surface of water frozen by a thin layer of ice, easy to crack. All Victoria had was her calm and she was holding on it for dear life – for the sake of her life.

Victoria blew out an angry breath, an attempt to have a cleansing effect. It didn't.

"What's wrong?"

"Stop being delicate with me, Nick. It's already irritating in general, but it's more irritating when it comes from someone who isn't supposed to be. You."

"That's not what I'm trying to do," he rebutted and paused. "But I _am_ worried about you."

She crossed her arms over herself and shook her head.

"You don't need to be. I'm here. I'm working. I'm figuring things out in my own time."

Nick glanced down before looking at her again, through the computer. Nick was a terrible liar. She knew that about her brother as much as she loved him. He was as bad as telling a lie as he was at keeping one. It was almost as if he had come close to spilling the secret. It could have come out his pores like sweat. For one brief yet terrifying moment, Victoria filled in the silence with one question. Did Nick unburden himself? Did the chivalrous, honorable part of him become the worst part? If so, what had he done?

"Victoria, I… I was with Chelsea last night. Hanging out with her and Connor. I looked at him. I saw Adam. I wanted to tell her. I almost did."

"Nick!" Victoria cried, alarmed.

"I didn't do it, okay? But would it be so bad if I did?"

Victoria hoped Nick could feel the heat of her glare. "You're not asking me that right now. Our mother could be arrested for aiding and abetting when she had no idea the seriousness of what Dad did! We tell anyone and both of our parents go to jail. That's why we're doing this!"

"I get all that. It's all I think about. But listen. Chelsea deserves to know. Connor has no dad. Did I like Adam? You know I didn't. We both didn't, but she's family."

"You said she was relentless in wanting to find Chloe, right?"

"Yes."

"If you tell her, she has nothing to lose. She wants justice for Adam. That's it."

Nick sighed, tone steady yet carrying its own powerful quality. Sometimes, she heard edges of their father and steadfastness of their mother. Victoria realized that they carried the blood of the same two people. It was what made them the other's best friend, the other's backbone and in a way, the other's half that made up a balanced whole. Sometimes, when life events brought them together, Victoria hated moments like this where she could come apart at the seams with him and _because_ of him.

"She's a parent," he argued back. "Just like you. She wouldn't hurt Connor, knowing this could affect him."

"No," Victoria shook her head, adamantly. "That's too risky," she added, almost begging. "Nobody loves your moral compass more than me, but please don't tell Chelsea to ease your conscience… Don't make me—" she stopped herself, her head unravelling the words only ever present in her head and heart. She didn't want to verbalize it because then it made it real. Then it made this beautiful place dark and ugly. If she said it, Victoria would suffocate under the weight of a guilt too heavy to carry.

"Don't make you what, Victoria?"

Victoria. His tone reminded her of Mt. Etna, a volcano that sent up smoke that could erupt every so often when Mother Nature shook it up like her own firecracker.

He glared at her, still miles away separating them and yet, emotionally bound.

"Let's cut the bullshit now."

"Gladly."

"What shouldn't I make you do? If I tell Chelsea, it's my fault, Mom goes to jail and I put another parent behind bars, right?"

"And I stayed away for nearly two years the last time."

Nick froze, everything unsaid between becoming loud and clear. It dawned on him.

"You want to stay. Are you insane? You have three kids—"

"I know that!" Victoria snapped a little too sharply than she intended. She caught the sight of an especially intricately built church in her periphery and wanted to seek sanctuary within it. She masked her slightly nervous energy hands by combing her hair back. "I've been wrestling with these feelings and I hate it. I want to take the kids and run. I want to disappear from Genoa City and not come back. It's not right. It's not sane. But here I am, and I can't stop it."

"My sister, the emotional masochist."

Victoria shrugged, "What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment Always have been, I suppose."

—

The next stream of video chats for the next half hour flew in and out like threads, all coming together like stitches. Her mother, who was keeping her resolve and father at bay. There was Lily and Juliet. They were happy to report the wave from Brash and Sassy in Europe was still high and still, people wanted to ride it. There was Cane who was checking in and Billy, who always managed to say things that had a double meaning.

Yet the conversations were the same. Surface-level. Normal, when they were anything but. Civil. Cordial, even. A laugh or two. There was a canyon sized line between them and perhaps, neither should cross it. Victoria surely didn't. The euphoria from successfully making the jump was not worth falling into the dark space between. Victoria knew there was a _Billy and Victoria._ There would always be a _Billy and Victoria_. There would always be Finn McGees and Jimmy's on a snowy New Year's Eve that changed her life. They were good memories, her best ones. Even then, Victoria had to let those go.

The best one gave her triple bliss. Reed, Johnny, and Katherine were at Crimson Lights. He was the responsible big brother via driving Grandma's car today. It was a late start at school, Johnny had a free day and Katie was dressed for her dance class. Reed told her about school, homework and how awesome it was living with Grandma. His music was alive and kicking, and Victoria saw it through his videos of Open Mic Night and his covers the day before. He was writing a lot more, he told her. While he was into playing the guitar more than any other instrument, there was really chill about playing the piano. He told her about playing a duet with on separate pianos with his grandmother. Mom.

"Let It Be," Reed said, a small on his lips. "Did you know Grandma sang?"

Victoria blinked. Maybe a lullaby or two when she and Nick were children but nothing really to suggest that she could weave a bunch of vocal notes together. Not like Faith could. Or, Reed, or even Noah or rare occasions.

"No," she shook her head. "I didn't, honey."

"Oh, she can. She kind of blew everyone away. Now, everyone thinks I have the coolest grandma ever," he revealed, and added truthfully. "We kinda dedicated it to you."

She smiled.

"I'm touched."

Reed raised his eyes to the direction of the front counter of Crimson Lights. "Dude," Reed said to an off-screen Johnny, she figured. "Be cool and split your cookie with Katie, okay? Katie lay off Johnny."

"Good. You guys come over here. Mom wants to talk to you."

Victoria heard little shuffles and little feet before Johnny and Katherine appeared now with Reed. She nearly cried, seeing their sweet little faces. Johnny grinned and Katie smiled.

"Hi, Mama!"

Katie.

"Hi, Katie!"

"Mommy!" Johnny said, with one of his grins. She wanted to press kisses all over his face, rock Katherine in her arms and cuddle her until she couldn't anymore. "I miss you."

In her own two-year-old way, Katie asked when she was coming home. Her beautiful, sweet and sassy daughter also let her know she wanted presents. A new dolly so Molly wasn't sad like her and lonely. Victoria smiled softly and assured them that Mommy wasn't sad and she was happy instead. She would be. For them, Victoria had to be.

"I'll be home soon. I promise."

"Promise?" Johnny's little voice came through again.

"I cross my heart, baby."

"Love you, Mama," Katie said again and blew kisses at the screen. Victoria caught them by grabbing air.

"I love you, too, sweetheart. I'm going to keep these kisses close to me."

"Hannah's here, Mom, and I've got to get these two to her," Reed let her know. Watching him embrace responsibility in the few days that she was gone, really impressed her. Maybe he was truly ready to be a driver. "I'm not saying I want anything Doors or Hendrix related but y'know…"

"Oh, so I guess, I'll just take this little ol' framed record of The Doors' debut album back."

"What?" Reed lit up. "Seriously?"

"I may have bought in London," she replied, being playfully coy. "I did. I found it and I thought you'd love it. It reminded me of you."

"Seems the three of us have the coolest mom, too. Right, guys?"

Victoria laughed out loud, and something came loose in her heart.

Laughter truly was good for the soul. At least, hers.

* * *

 **5.**

When Victoria was working, sleeping, eating, she was slowly weaving herself into common Florence life. It was carefree. People smiled at her and said hello in the morning. Older gentlemen sat next to her on benches and held conversations that made Victoria not feel like they were not strangers. Rather, they were exuberant and animated and made her laugh. It was a cloudy day on her second to last day in Florence when she tucked a wind-blown strand of her hair behind her ears. The breeze was soft and caressed her face. She looked up at the ash-colored sky, trying to find the circle of light behind clouds that shielded it. She couldn't. Her villa wasn't far from all the old places she had been before the first time, or the new places she wanted to discover so she decided to walk, instead of renting a car.

Victoria's black ankle boots easily navigated the cobblestone roads of Florence like muscle memory. Her blue skinny jeans hugged her body comfortably and a dark purple wraparound top completed the look. Her makeup was light She walked and walked, almost on autopilot, letting the history and old torn pages of Florence's history consume her. Victoria greedily saw the intricate beautiful architecture of structures known to be strong evidence of the Medici presence. She knew some of the Medici relatives had resting places spread throughout Florence as if to say _here The House of Medici rose, and here The House of Medici will lay_. She chuckled a bit to herself, known she was from a powerful family in its own right. _How will the House of Newman rise and fall?_

The Basilica of San Lorenzo was another Medici stronghold with influences from Michaelangelo. She walked up to it, placing a hand on the door and pushed it slightly. When Victoria stepped in, there was a grand hall and looking up, was painting and art. The long hall had the statues of many Medici relatives, many Medici members who lived down the centuries. The ground was smooth underneath her boots and the sound her heels made with each step sounded like glass hitting the ground. Victoria walked to the end of the hall to meet another door which must have had the inner sanctum and heart of the church behind it. She wasn't religious yet Victoria felt as though she were intruding on another presence as she pushed the door open.

By the door was the statue of the Virgin Mary cradling the Baby Christ in her arms. The pews and aisle seemed to stretch on forever but she walked down it. Her blue eyes remained transfixed to the altar and the rows of lit red candles. Every lit candle represented a wish, a dream a prayer. Every lit candle meant there was hope that could be kept burning, safe from the outside world where it could be snuffed out.

Victoria slid into a mahogany pew. The wood glistened because of church lights bounced off it. She became hyper aware of her heartbeat, her lungs expanding and shrinking with every breath she shook. She looked at the candles, flames continue their dance. She looked at the gold cross above, the image of Christ nailed to it. She noted the anguish on his frozen face. Victoria took in the nails in the palms of his hands and another set of nails, driven into his feet.

Victoria was not religious, but she was a believer in asking a higher power bigger than her to see something what was missing. She wanted to understand. When it came to matters of her heart, Victoria wanted to be able to ask for it to harden. She needed a shell around her heart and for the ability to stem her emotions. Victoria wanted to continue being strong enough to protect herself and find her balance.

So, she let herself sit in this sacred, hallowed place with the strong scent of incense and began asking. Victoria began hoping.

—

"Okay. I know. I don't do this very often and I most likely should," she said to herself, to whatever ears listened, to the figures in statues and people etched into the colourful stained glass windows. Her voice snapped the silence like a rubber band snapped when it was stretched too far. She took a deep breath. "I'm not a praying person. But it doesn't mean I'm not grateful. I am. I have a job, my family, my health and three beautiful children. I'm so grateful but there's so much to ask you."

She closed her eyes, shifting in her seat and said softly, "Please help me to not stumble around in the dark anymore. I'm tired of falling and tripping."

Tears sprang to her eyes and she wiped them before they landed on her cheek.

"Most of all," she continued earnestly, "please give me the strength to let go of what hurts the most and help me to hold onto to what gives me joy."

Incense still hung in the air and previously hidden sunlight became free to hit the stain glass windows and make rainbow patterns. There was so cold air nor was there a drift but Victoria felt her skin prickle and break out in goosebumps. She rubbed her arm through the smooth surface of her sleeve and sighed, shakily.

She stood up to go but stopped dead in her tracks.

"Oh, my God."

She blinked and felt frozen. Victoria could barely breathe.

—

"Delia?"

The little girl smiled a smile Victoria knew she would never see again. Katherine had that same smile. She remembered this outfit because Victoria had helped her pick it out. It was on the morning of her play, but the end of that day, lives had shattered. Into the early morning hours of the next day, Billy was a broken man. She was left with a guilt she couldn't quite let go of. Victoria couldn't bring herself to go to that roadside memorial and certainly couldn't go to her grave. It was still unnatural to her, rather unfathomable that a seven-year-old with dreams, potential and a zest for life now lay still next to her grandfather and cousin.

Victoria remembered the silver unicorn shirt, pink leggings, and purple high tops.

She reached with a grin with tears pooling in her eyes and knelt at her level. Running a hand through Delia's brown hair, Victoria was shocked by how soft it was. It was as if Victoria had just helped her brush it in the morning before school.

"You're so beautiful."

"And you're sad," Delia observed, with a wisdom beyond her years even now. She took Victoria's hand and pulled her gently to a nearby pew and sat, making Victoria do the same. Her eyes shined with the Abbott twinkle Johnny had inherited. "Please don't cry anymore."

"If I had gone to get the ice-cream myself…"

Delia shook her head. "No. It was an accident. Remember when I wanted to help set the table and you and Daddy told me to be careful with the plates?"

Victoria laughed at the memory, "Yes. You dropped them and they broke."

"What did you tell me?"

"To take a breath. It wasn't my fault and accidents happen."

Then it dawned on Victoria. The irony of it and what Delia was telling her.

"You're telling me it's not my fault."

Delia nodded, smiling softly. "Yes. It was an accident. Stop making yourself feel sad because of the ice-cream," she then asked Victoria a question, observing. "Are you okay, Victoria?"

Was she okay? Victoria opened her mouth shut it again. It wasn't because Victoria was sad, or an emotional ball that shoved into the dark. She wasn't in the dark, yet she couldn't find any light in between. She stayed in that grey space hard to describe. She wanted to scream until her surroundings broke and fall into non-existence. Yet Victoria needed the silence so she could be aware of the explosion and control how and when it would detonate. Her blood was a subzero, ice water running through her veins. Yet it burned hot and ran fast. She let herself marinate in the fizzing beneath the surface of her skin.

Victoria remained silent for the span of two heartbeats and tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. That action revealed small golden circular earrings.

"Can I be honest and tell you I'm…not sure, sweetie?"

Victoria affectionately touched her cheek like she used to. Delia furrowed a brow and broke out in that bright smile.

"Okay. Honesty is the right thing."

"I miss you. So much."

Delia placed her small hand on top of hers, and Victoria caught a small of flash. The charm bracelet. Her breath caught in her throat, the memory of a charm around her wrist assaulting her the night before her play. Stars adorned Delia's wrist and Victoria was pretty much she danced and ran in between them.

"Take a breath. You'll see better."

Victoria grew confused. "What do you mean, Dee Dee?"

Delia merely giggled, got up and ran down the long aisle. Victoria stood to go after her, breaking into a full sprint down the long, carpeted aisle. She whipped around, frantically searching. She did not understand. Victoria was going to see better if she opened her eyes? Her eyes were already open. She was already seeing but looking to hear her giggles again. Panic gripped her like a chokehold surrounding her throat.

"Delia," Victoria choked out, fresh tears, falling fast. "Please come…back. Delia!"

She started running. The halls got longer. There was no sound, no time or space. She ran to find her way out this church through any door, any opening to her freedom. Victoria continued to run until her breath grew shorter and shorter. Her legs ached but she willed herself not to fall. Incense was no longer soothing. Its scent became overpowering as it found her way under her skin through her pores, wrapped itself the tresses of her hair and left an acidity in the back of her mouth. Victoria tried trying to get rid of it but it grew worse. There were spots in and out of her vision and her legs grew weaker.

Amazing Grace, though Victoria hadn't heard of it or thought of it in years, was played with the organ in her head. The world turned dark for Victoria underneath the stone-faced gaze of a Medici statue and finally, all became still.

"… _was blind, but now, I see…"_

—

There was a weight. Something feather light, but healthy enough to be felt on the curve of her shoulder. Victoria's eyes shot open and darted around. Delia was there. There was the hallway that didn't have any ending. This beautiful church nearly turned ugly as it nearly entrapped her. Her head swam and before the world exploded into darkness, Victoria could have sworn she saw a statue smirking down at her. The altar was the same. Candles still glowed with its own flame.

"Goodness. Are you alright, child?"

She glanced down at her shoulder, a slender hand although weathered, gentle lay on her shoulder to get her attention. Victoria jumped back startled. But the woman's voice had no Italian accent. She was American. She wore full nun's garb and had warm dark brown eyes. Victoria stared at her and tossed the woman an apologetic look. She did notice the glint of beads twisted in the woman's hands. A rosary.

"I'm…sorry. Um, I just…" she stammered. "I just wanted to be here and I don't know what happened," Victoria glanced downward away from the nun. "I thought it was very peaceful here," she admitted, honestly.

"Ah. So did I in truth," the nun sat and folded her hands in her lap. "I came to Florence as a young woman and never quite found a reason to leave."

"I know the feeling, although I leave tomorrow."

The nun held out a hand, "Sister Clarice."

Victoria shook her hand and shook her hand, "Oh, I'm sorry for not introducing myself," she laughed, not because it was funny but because it was how she could react at the time. How else could she react to a nun? Although Victoria was respectful, she felt she wasn't polite enough. "I'm Victoria."

"Seems as though you were truly away from yourself when I found you sitting here."

"I…don't know how to explain it. There's so much I'm dealing with and I just wanted the ability to deal with it in a way I could bear."

"Ah," Sister Clarice nodded slowly. "Christ himself says we should come to Him and when we do, He will give us rest. It seems you did. We all have our burdens, our impediments and things that block our way to seeing beyond ourselves. Have you ever heard about the story of Saul as he headed to Damascus?"

Victoria shook her head. She was familiar with different stories, threads of the past that stretched and expanded into the present. She knew of the Bible as another historical text and would continue to see it that way. Victoria was unable to re-wire her brain to shape her perception otherwise. However, out of respect for Sister Clarice, she would be respectful and understand that she saw the biblical stories as more.

"Vaguely."

Somewhere between learning and falling in love with Art History, Victoria heard the story of a man who persecuted others for their religion, only to go through a metamorphosis of sorts.

"Then you know the Lord made Saul blind for his deeds."

She nodded, trying to resist the urge to fiddle with her hands. "Yes," and then Victoria plastered a smile on her face, running a hand through her hair. She sighed, shoulders dropping with the audible exhale of breath. "Sister Clarice, I don't want to be disrespectful but what does this story have to do with me?"

The nun chuckled lightly, the rosary still in her hands.

"It simply means when the Lord healed Saul of his blindness, he became Paul. He changed and was clear on how to live his life," she answered, with her brown eyes carrying a sparkle Victoria couldn't identify. "Clarity will come if you ask for it. Open your eyes and you will see your world through a set of new ones."

Victoria stared at her, her stomach churning. _What?_

"What did you just say?"

"Clarity, Victoria. That's what I said, dear."

"Delia told me," she said more to herself than the nun. Victoria felt more tears blur her vision and met Sister Clarice's gaze. She sniffled, quietly and wiped away what she hoped would be the last flow of her tears for a while. "Delia was my ex-husband's daughter. My stepdaughter. She was killed in a hit-and-run a few years back. She came to me today. Here. At least, I think she did."

The gun pointed upwards, looking at the golden cross depicting the crucifixion.

"It's widely said but bears some truth. The Lord indeed works in the mysterious ways."

Victoria laughed, lightly. "Perhaps."

"Here. Take this."

Sister Clarice took her hand and untangling the rosary from her own dropped in the middle of Victoria's palm. The beads and the silver cross in her palm felt cool. It was as if a soothing stream of water has dropped on a scar and washed it until it didn't hurt anymore. Victoria glanced at the pile of brown beads in her palm, streaks of amber in the center and turned surprised blue eyes on the nun. She shook her head adamantly, her palm out to Sister Clarice.

"I can't possibly… No, I can't."

"You need this more I do, Victoria," she replied, with a kindness that hit her sternum and borrowed its way into her heart. Sister Clarice smiled and closed her fingers over the beads. The silver cross was also cool against her skin. "Please," she added with insistence.

Victoria gently retrieved from her and furrowed her brow, the amber colour reminding her of cat eyes.

"I'm not religious."

"But you are a good person," Sister Clarice said and stood. "Use this to remind you."

"Of what?"

"A reminder that things are easier to live with when you keep things clear. _Breathe_."

"Thank you."

Sister Clarice touched her shoulder again and moved to go.

"Goodbye, Victoria. You'll be okay."

—

The sanctuary was as it was when she arrived. There was still a faint scent of incense that was sweet. Candles still burned, the bottom of them glowing a bright red into an orange. There was still the golden cross with the crucified Jesus. Victoria turned around and still there was the Mary and Baby Christ statue. The only difference was these beads of light on a string Victoria herself, wrapped around her fingers. She stood, her legs feeling foreign to her until the prickling evaporated and they woke up.

Victoria pocketed the rosary and put it in her bag. Before she left the church, she walked to the altar and searched for one candle with no flame of its own. Victoria let the smooth stick slowly until it too was caught its own glow. Instead of asking hoping, and wondering, Victoria understood. She understood and her heart swelled. All she could do was thank this place, so she did. Victoria thanked Florence until she was filled to the brim with gratitude for Florence yet an overwhelming feeling of homesickness for Genoa City.

"Thank you," she whispered, blue eyes looking heavenward. "Thank you."

Victoria was ready to go home.

* * *

 **EPILOGUE**

She left Florence on a Friday only to arrive in Genoa City on a Saturday morning.

Victoria quietly used the spare key to get into her home. She left her luggage in the space off to the side and her bag on the bench. Victoria made the correct assumption that her mother with an assist from Reed had put Johnny and Katherine to sleep. Then they fell asleep themselves. The jet lag was heavy, falling on her like a wave breaking against a poorly built dam. She yawned lightly and stripped off her blazer. There was a dampness in the air, the sky as cloudy as the one in Florence. Victoria heard the distant rumble of thunder and waited for the inevitable downpour.

Exhaling a breath and rubbing her eyes, Victoria rubbed the back of her neck with a slender hand to get rid of the knot in it. She pulled her feet out of her boots, leaving them at the door. The carpet felt soft and caressed the pads of her feet. She smiled faintly, glad to be home yet carrying pieces of London, Paris, and Florence with her. Victoria dug through her purse, feeling around for an object she didn't want to part with now.

She found it and plopped down on her desk. The beads felt warm in her heads and the silver cross glinted at her. A switch had gone off in her head, long before she got on the plane and stared out of its window. It was as if Victoria has shut off the one part of her brain that carried her optimism and turned on her realism. She made herself see things as they were, that practicality was her number one that pragmatism was always within reach.

One drop of precipitation hit her window and then another.

She stood and climbed up the stairs to what mattered.

—

When Reed was little, he wanted his bedroom door painted a fire engine red because it looked cool.

Currently, he still thought his red door but never told her. Instead, he shook her work flow – that's what being immersed in something was called these days, right? – with guitar chords and a smooth voice singing Paint It Black a couple doors down from her home office. He was truly talented and the expanding scope of Reed's talent left her stunned.

" _I see a red door and I want it painted black. No colours anymore, I want them to turn black…"_

She chuckled to herself and opened the door. Of course, Victoria thought with a shake of his head. Various clothes were strewn on the floor, his backpack was slumped against the wall while his phone charged as he slept. Victoria carefully stepped over things because she didn't want to disturb anything. She figured it was one of those instances where Reed could find things effortlessly in the organized mess. But he could have cleaned a little. Homework, blank sheet music, and a closed laptop sat on his desk. On top of the laptop, Reed's songwriting book lay closed and his guitar in its black case.

She glanced at his walls, various posters of artists and spotted a space on the wall where the framed Doors record could rest nicely. Anticipation bubbled in Victoria knowing she had done something right with Reed. He was going to love it.

Reed slept on his stomach, his face peaceful and his long limbs spilling over the bed. His arm nearly touched the floor and a foot peeked out from under his blanket. He would most likely hate it later but as his mother, she missed putting her hand through his hair as he slept. Victoria knelt and touched his mop of dark hair and could imagine the bedhead. Her own hair also had the tendency to be more tousled than usual when first waking up. Victoria could have sworn hearing Reed mutter _Zoey_ in his sleep and it caused her to roll her eyes. She did like Kendall infinitely better.

He stirred. One eye opened and the other followed suit.

"Mom?" he said, voice hoarse with sleep. "You're back."

"Yeah, I am. Go back to sleep. Just wanted to say hi."

"Okay," Reed replied again, and brought his arm in a lazy wave and dropped it. "Hey."

He then rolled over, burying his head with his blanket. Victoria stepped over the things she had before and thanked yoga for her balance. She made it to the door when Reed called her, somewhere between reality and dreams. "Mom?"

"Hmm?"

A yawn. "You…owe me a car. Black."

"You owe _me_ a three-point turn."

"I'll bug you…in the morning, y'know."

Victoria laughed and turned the golden knob to leave. "Sweet dreams, Reed."

—

Victoria closed the door with a soft click only to hear two other doors clumsily being opened, and the soft sound of little feet hitting the carpet. Victoria turned around to see Johnny grinning in his pajamas and dinosaur slippers only to have Katie smiling in her unicorn pajamas, a full grin taking up her face. Victoria didn't have the time to process seeing her children in the flesh after being separated for what felt like an eternity before they ran and launched themselves at her. She knelt at their level, accepting their warm hugs, and proclamations of missing her. In turn, she littered their faces with kisses and returned their sentiments.

Victoria pulled away from them and observed with them. She wanted to paint new pictures of them in her mind. Jonny seems to have lost a bottom tooth while Katherine's hair seemed to have grown slightly while she was away.

She smiled brightly at her youngest children, stroking her son's face and feeling her daughter's hair between her fingers.

"Were you guys good for Grandma?"

Johnny nodded yes while Katie spoke for them. "Yes!"

"What do you want for breakfast?"

Johnny answered, "Hot dogs!"

"No! Candy!" Katie argued back, giving Johnny a perfect Newman glare.

"Hot dogs!"

"Candy!"

Victoria would have laughed and mentally did. Even now, in this moment, their personalities were growing new layers. Johnny was still goofy, silly and the comedian of the house but he was the record holder of many time-outs because he was developing a rebellious streak. The word no was sometimes hard for Johnny to understand, much less listened to. Johnny was a little tornado who did not know how to slow down. Reed was a sweet kid who inherited her adolescent manipulative streak, a temper that was all his temper and her razor-sharp tongue.

Katherine was bright, and an exuberant ball of sunshine who was a chatterbox. She could talk about anything and hold conversations that made sense in her two-year-old mind. She was a little performer, dancing along to Reed's music and sometimes, adding lyrics of her own. However, Katherine was the definition of Brash and Sassy, it seemed. She never wanted to play with other little girls and wanted to do what the boys were doing. She wanted to run, jump and climb things. She watched the Packers games with rapt attention adamant Aaron Rodgers would be her husband. So much so that when Katherine wanted to wear Green Bay Packers jersey, she chose number 12. She was also known to attend Cubs games with Nick.

Katie wanted to play with Johnny and Connor when Uncle Nick and Noah threw a football around on the ranch. Her girl was stubborn and refused to budge when her mind was made up. She watched the Packers games with rapt attention on adamant Aaron Rodgers would be her husband and known to attend Cubs games with Nick. Katie wanted to play with Johnny and Connor when Uncle Nick and Noah threw a football around on the ranch. While Johnny didn't understand the word, Katherine used "no" at her disposal every chance she got. She was mean and petty when irritated, terrorizing her brother or whoever was nearest. She still remembered cringing when another child's mom told her and Billy that Katie had smashed her daughter's dollhouse because she had taken Molly without asking. Victoria was apologetic and offered to pay for the repair of the dollhouse while Billy followed her lead behind his laughter. This caused Victoria to glare at him and discreetly smack him hard in the midsection with the back of her hand. Her daughter would yell, kick and cry while being punished. Billy almost caught a little foot in the face and only then was he truly stern with her. After punishment, Katherine was her usual, sunny self but Victoria worried about the depth of her daughter's mean streak at this age.

Victoria broke up the argument between her children. They were in engaged in a serious debate between what was truly acceptable to eat in the morning. Neither were.

She brought a finger to her lips and shushed them with a quiet tone.

"Hey, hey. Grandma and Reed are sleeping, still. So, how about we make waffles instead?"

Katie and Johnny's eyes lit up.

"Yay!" Katie said, clapping her hands, while Johnny proposed they be chocolate chip.

"Of course, they can be chocolate chip," Victoria agreed, and turned stern. "But we can't have waffles if your teeth aren't clean. Go brush those teeth."

"Nooooo," they groaned at the time, shaking their heads.

"But if you don't, you won't know what I got you from my trip. Do you guys want to know?"

Johnny and Katie both nodded, brimming with excitement.

"Okay, so ready…set…go!"

Just like that, two pairs of feet took off for the bathroom with Victoria laughing quietly to herself as she followed behind them.

—

Johnny played with his toy Double Decker bus and ate his waffles, while Katie clutched the doll version of herself in a Union Jack dress close to her eating hers. When Reed peeled back the wrapping paper and pulled off the ribbon, he saw the framed Doors record and stared at it as if he were holding the Holy Grail. His eyes went from her to the framed record and then back to her. Reed's face light up and his smile reminded Victoria of when he was a little boy. He stared in her awe. _I don't even know what to say. This is the coolest thing you've done for me, ever._ Victoria was a little surprised by the warmth of his hug and she watched him bound upstairs to his room, two stairs at a time.

She kept watchful eyes on her children, eating at the breakfast at the table but let her body sink into her light blue couch. Nikki sat beside her as she exhaled and yawned. She had been six hours ahead and her brain had been wired to adapt to it. Now, Victoria was six hours behind and felt like though she was running behind a moving train. Victoria was running behind a blurry locomotive carrying the 24 hours of time and she strained her mental muscles trying to.

Victoria rested her head on an arm, pulling her legs under her and smiled at her mother who touched her cheek affectionately.

"Jet lag is catching up with you."

"It seems so," Victoria replied, and raised her head to see Johnny and Katie still eating their waffles, piece by piece. She zeroed in her children in the beginnings of a quarrel over the last piece of waffle. It was Johnny's piece and yet Katherine wanted it and she was near tears when he stubbornly refused.

"It's mine!"

She spoke sternly, invoking his full name. "John Nicholas Abbott IV, be nice to your sister and share with her."

Her mother assisted, and with a knowing glance, got up to walk over to the two children.

"Okay. How about you both have some pretty fruit salad?" Nikki told them, once she got there. She offered them the remnants of a brightly coloured fruit salad. Victoria, herself, had eaten some of the fruit salad. Some pineapple, grapes, apples, blueberries and strawberries. Cantaloupe and honeydew added to the array of colour.

Johnny's blue eyes sparkled and widened in surprise. He pointed and looked up at his grandmother.

"Gramma. Rainbow foot!" _Rainbow fruit._

She laughed quietly to herself, knowing her son meant to say the fruit look like a rainbow.

"That's right, darling. It _is_ like a rainbow and guess what?"

"What?" Johnny inquired, as a curious look fell on Katie's face.

Nikki whispered as if sharing a secret. "You know who loves fruit salad more than anything in the whole world?" she paused, dramatically. "Unicorns. They eat this and get big and strong."

Katie gasped, her blue eyes wide as saucers. "Unicorn?"

"Yes, my love," Nikki answered, and dropped a kiss in her hair. She placed two plastic bowls in front of them, leaving them the options of eating the pieces of fruit with their hands. After all, finger foods for children was a positive aspect of a child's development. "You promise Grandma you will eat all this yummy fruit to be big and strong, too?"

Both happily nodded and Nikki walked over to her again and sat down.

"What do we say to Grandma?" Victoria asked Johnny and Katherine. Manners were important, too.

They each said thank you as best as their speech would allow and Nikki turned to smile brightly at them. "Oh, you're very welcome."

Victoria smiled, faintly, "Thanks."

"Don't thank me. I loved spending time with them these past few days. Besides, they remind me of you and Nicholas when you were young," Nikki replied and spoke with a nostalgic, wistful tone. She laughed at a memory Victoria figured was in the depths of her mother's mind. "I remember when you had a birthday one year. You were a little girl and Nicholas was a baby and getting to be that age where he was getting into everything,"

Victoria raised an eyebrow in questioning, "Yeah?"

"Oh, yes," her mother continued, with another chuckle. "You had a beautiful cake. Chocolate with pink and purple icing, I believe. Right after you blew out your candles and we all clapped. Nicholas clapped because everyone else was doing it. Before the first piece was cut, your brother took his little hand, tore a sizable chunk of your cake and put it in his mouth. Needless to say, I had a crying daughter and a son with a face full of chocolate cake."

"Oh God, seriously?"

"Yes," her mother said, with fondness. "The only reason you stopped crying was because you were his one of his first words. You were so shocked and happy he said your name you didn't care about the cake anymore."

"Sounds like us."

"So, how was Florence?"

"It was pretty amazing, Mom. Better than the first time I'd gone," Victoria raised her eyes to meet her mother's and admitted honestly with a sigh. "I have feelings of wanting to stay. I arrived and it was like I never left," she smiled, remembering. "Things are easier. I could breathe and it's awful to say but I was just…me. But I couldn't leave my family and disappear," she sighed, shaking a head but lifted it to watch Johnny and Katherine happily munching on fruit because unicorns did the same before Victoria ventured to ask this question carefully. She had arrived in Genoa City hours and already had to hop between cracked eggshells. "Dad?"

Nikki rolled her eyes and waved a hand dismissively.

"That man still refuses to understand anything. He swears by that protecting the family excuse but he's put us all in the line of fire. Ridiculous."

Victoria was about to reply when Reed's voice travelled down the stairs to the living room.

"Anyone see my headphones? I can't find 'em!"

Nikki looked around her and Victoria stood up, looking around until she walked over to her desk and shuffled, new and old Brash and Sassy papers around. She opened the drawer, the rosary winking back at her. She moved one stuffed toy around, pushed a stuffed green dinosaur out of the way until her mother pulled a black cord with two earbuds from between the cushions. They sat in her mother's palm and Victoria tossed her a grateful look.

Meanwhile, Johnny and Katherine had finished their fruit salad. The thunder and lightning were not there, but the rain came down as a drizzling mist. The hissing sound wasn't loud and it wasn't the slow, quiet hiss of a hiding snake ready to bite. The rain splattered the window with countless dots like stars.

"Grandma found them!" Victoria yelled up the stairs.

"Thanks, Grandma!"

"No problem, sweetheart!" Nikki shouted in response and turned her attention to Johnny and Katherine. "Alright, you two. You've had breakfast. It's raining. What do you think of a story?"

"Yes!" Johnny exclaimed, hopped out of his chair. Katie followed suit, excitedly. Victoria smiled as she watched her daughter take Johnny's hand and pull him in the direction of the stairs. Always bossy, that one.

"Pick a good one for Grandma!" Victoria yelled, encouragingly at her children's retreating forms. She blew out a breath, still unable to shake the weight of her exhaustion. Of course, it would have been nice to sleep but there was still so much to do. Truthfully, she just craved the fresh air. Victoria wanted to feel the dewy air on her skin, taking in the soothing mist of the rain and ultimately, wanted a brownie from Crimson Lights. She hugged her mother, warmly, and Nikki stroked her hair like she was a little girl again. "Thank you. I mean it, Mom. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"Well, you won't have to," her mother answered, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "You get those headphones to Reed and I'll get started on the dishes."

"I still need those headphones!"

Victoria rubbed her head, trying to untie the slow forming knots in her head and silence the distant buzzing in her brain.

"I'm coming, Reed!"

She sighed, then herself took to getting up the stairs.

Reed needed those headphones as much as Victoria needed to talk to him.

—

"Thanks, Mom. I gotta run to rehearsal for the art festival tomorrow."

"I know," Victoria answered, handing him the headphones but stopped him gently by touching his arm. "Can I talk to you quickly? Five minutes."

Reed stared at her confused. "Okay," he replied, slowly. "Am I in trouble?"

"No. You're not."

Victoria sat on his bed and patted a spot next to her. "Humor your mother."

He shrugged his bag after a moment's pause and sat next to her. Reed looked at her curiously, probably with his head quietly spinning. What had he done to aggravate her this time? What was she going to say? How would she react to one thing or the other? Victoria remembered the day Reed drove away from Genoa City, feeling as though a big piece of her heart had been ripped out. Then she remembered Reed standing on her doorsteps as if he was the answer to a wish that took a little too long to fulfill. She stared at him and felt guilty. Victoria felt guilty for allowing herself to be a revolving parent and again, for pushing too hard to make up for perceived lost time.

"What's up?"

"When I was on my trip, I bumped into your dad in Milan."

"You did?"

"Yeah," she confirmed with a nod and brushed her hair back and explained, "He was in Rome for work and ended up in Milan at the same club I was. We talked. It was good. But he did tell me about you and a little bit about what was going on in DC. I…think as surprised as I was, I understand why you felt like you had to run."

There was a slight frown in his mouth and a furrow between his brow.

"I guess. It was tense all the time, Mom. I knew Dad and Mac were having issues but I like Mac. A lot. I hoped that they were going to work it out," he answered, and sighed. "I…don't know. Then Leah was born and I felt like there was no room for me anymore. Nobody was listening to me. If someone was, they have known that I missed you. Then this stupid move to Warsaw…"

Victoria knew how to felt like to be so suffocated and the need to run. Really, she did.

"Are you happy here, Reed?"

"Yeah," Reed answered, with a small smile, looking at her. "For the most part. You drive me crazy but I do it too. I can be honest."

"One day you're going to become a parent and understand why I drive you crazy."

"Well, I'm not looking to have a kid right now."

"Another thing," she sighed, heavily, hating to broach this subject and tried to hide her cringing. "Speaking of having things…"

"No! Mom, stop!"

"What?" Victoria asked, confused. "I'm actually trying to do something right here."

Reed stood up, and shook his head, "Then stop. You'd be doing something right."

She stood up and turned him around when he went to grab his bag and go. He was probably running away from the conversation and from her. "Hold on a second. You're missing the point here. I just… Look, I was your age than you when I got married," she crossed her arms around herself, remembering when she was young, stupid, in love and happy to be Mrs. NcNeil at the time. The second time, Victoria was fell back in love with him, only for him to die by a bullet meant for her. "I didn't take the time to really see if I was truly ready and I believe that it caused trouble for me," Victoria looked at him, and admitted honestly. "In some ways, I think it's still causing trouble for me…"

Reed looked at her, surprise in his eyes. "Mom? You married someone at sixteen?"

"Yes, and I wasn't ready. I know that now in hindsight. I'm trying to tell that whether you're sexually active or not… and believe me, no mother wants to go there. This makes me weird too. But if you are having sex, I only ask that you're physically safe and you're ready emotionally. That's it."

Reed's face took on a rosy colour and oh, Victoria made him blush. He had a glow about him. He smiled more and she would notice a maturity growing in her son and she liked it. It impressed her. Reed was being a teenager yet he was stepping up with his younger siblings whenever he could.

"Fine, okay…" Reed agreed and jerked a thumb behind him. "Can I go now?"

"Yeah, yeah. Go. Break a leg. Come back so we can go to the dealership later."

"After the three-point turn. I know…I know."

Victoria laughed and waved a hand, dismissively. "I was never going to make you prove your driving skills to me. Just messing with you a little. You stepping up with your little brother and sister while I was away is enough. You've proven to me that you can be responsible. I'm proud of you."

"Really?"

"Yes. Always. Go have a great rehearsal. I'll be there front row."

"Cool," Reed replied, with a smile and almost looked sheepish before speaking again. She didn't understand why he was so tentative. "I know you and Billy are weird and stuff, but he bought a ticket to the art festival. He's always great to me but he's really been there for me while you were away. He's really the reason I'm even doing this thing. You know, bigger live exposure while my online stuff is blowing up. It's okay that I invited him. He's with Summer's mom now but he's still family to me."

"Hey. Listen to me," she said, seriously and steadily. "You don't ever have to ask me if Billy can go to your show. If he's been supportive and he encouraged you, yes, he should be there. Your relationship with Billy is far removed from the one I have with him. He loves you. I can honestly say that he will always look out for you."

Victoria hugged her son and watched him go, grabbing his bag on the way out. He did leave and then came back, standing in his own doorway.

"I don't know what going away did to you, but I like it a lot."

She watched the dark mop of hair disappear from her line of view.

"I like it too, Reed," Victoria said to no one.

—

The little blue house in the middle of Orchard Avenue gradually slowed down in bustling. Little excited sounds and curious questions of getting a new puppy were cut off by gradual sounds of yawns and snores. Johnny and Katherine were still bright balls of energy but they blew until they couldn't. Instead, they sailed into a place where a new puppy was possible. Katie and Johnny landed in a dream fueled place where cotton candy was healthy. There wasn't complete silence but rather the sound of fast and furious keystrokes. Focused blue eyes allowed themselves to be sharpened ever so slightly by reading glasses so they skillfully glided over fine print attached to contracts. Victoria answered more e-mails to set up lunch meetings and others to let all facets of her team what was going to happen moving forward.

There was a deal in the works. This one was huge and she preferred to work on this one herself. There was blood in the ocean with several fish chasing this big one but she would be a shark. Victoria furrowed a brow in deep concentration as worked furiously on putting the cherry on a big cake Jabot and Fenmore's would choke on.

Victoria jumped a little as her phone buzzed but sighed with relief when she saw who the caller was. It made her giddy and only fueled her corporate bloodlust.

"Ah, Mr. Forsythe," Victoria greeted, professionally. "Wonderful to hear from you."

She paced her living room with her phone pressed to her ear, biting her bottom lip in anticipation.

"Likewise. It was lovely to see you in Paris, Ms. Newman. As for the business at hand," he changed his tone to match hers. All professionalism. No emotion. Just the cold, hard task of weighing the benefit against the cost. "After much deliberation and consideration, Forsythe Distributors will develop an exclusive partnership with Brash and Sassy to have all products distributed throughout Europe," he declared in that tone and then dropped it with all the formalities. His British accent became more pronounced, and voice smoother. Victoria imagined his amber eyes carried that gleam of a worldly life lived and the corner of his mouth turned up in the beginnings of a smirk.

Victoria bit down a smile off her own. "You haven't changed a bit, have you, Sebastian?"

"And it seems you've changed a whole lot, sweetheart."

"Well, thank you for partnering with Brash and Sassy. It will be mutually beneficial for both of us, I think."

"I will be headed to Los Angeles in the next week or so. I'm passing through Genoa City, however. Let's have lunch to hammer out the details or celebrate. Then you can tell me all about this place you love so much."

"You want to know all about Midwestern Genoa City?" she inquired, amused.

"Of course, love," Sebastian said and continued, now softly. The astonishing thing is there was no blame, no resentment. "You did end our engagement to return to it."

"I truly didn't mean to hurt you."

"Bygones," Sebastian dismissed and she could hear his sigh too. "it was a chapter in a very large book we have to let rest. I look at that chapter every now and again though."

"We had some good times."

"That we did. I say we create newer good times as business partners and as friends. I would be honored to have lunch with you and truly catch up if you'd have me."

"Yes," Victoria grinned with a soft chuckle. She took her glasses off and placed them on the coffee table with Brash and Sassy papers spread out like the corporate butterfly it was. Shiny, colourful and soaring. "I'd love to have lunch with you."

"Good. I will see you Tuesday, then before I fly out West?"

"Sure."

Sebastian told her a warm goodbye although it was more of a see you later. Suddenly, those beautiful yet rare amber coloured eyes stopped being a memory. There more of a ghost, weaving in out and snapshots of Victoria's life. There were mental Polaroid pictures all shaken and out of chronological order. The polaroid with the one with an elaborate diamond and aquamarine engagement ring on a slender finger stuck out to Victoria the most.

—

"Nikki told me you were back," Billy said, taking the bottle of beer Victoria offered and sat on the arm of the single chair. His eyes landed on the table, Brash and Sassy files spread out like a fanned deck of cards and his face fought between amusement and knowing. He had come to see the kids, and she had tentatively asked him to stay until they woke up. They would and be happy to see him. In truth, she was too. "Working through the jet lag."

She had a messy bun on top of her head, wearing her reading glasses so long they felt like part of Victoria's face. Victoria sighed, and smiled. Adrenaline and the buzz of coffee raced through her veins and held sleep at bay. It claimed her children, allowing them to peacefully nap a little longer.

"You know me."

Billy nodded, taking a long pull of his beer, "I do. Still the tough Chicken Hawk."

He met her gaze and held and held it a little too long. The air is Florence was clean with the undertone of salt. The air in her house was different. It was free flowing. Compact, just enough for her to breathe enough and started to crackle with a type of electricity Victoria did not want. Even now. In Florence, she was free to look this secret twist like a plastic bag in the wind but in Genoa City, it was close to her. Looking into Billy's eyes reminded Victoria just how much so she broke the thin thread between them first.

"I hope working with Mom when it came to the kids was okay."

"Yeah, yeah. Nikki was great."

"Leon called me. He told me how well this hockey collaboration was going," she informed him, tucking an errant strand of hair behind an ear. "You know, I always knew you were capable and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel less than that."

"Victoria…"

"Would you just shut up and let me do this? Please?"

"Okay."

"There's just a lot of stuff my family has to deal with. I wish I could separate myself but that comes with being a Newman. It's a blessing but it's a curse. I was falling for you all over again. You kissed me and I remembered all the reasons why I fell for you. It _scared_ me, Billy. Complications came up and no matter how much I tried to work around them," she played with a ring on her finger to hide being fidgety, "I couldn't. I didn't want to drag you down with me. I was scared of being hurt. I was scared of hurting you in a way that wasn't fair. But," she shrugged, pulling her glasses off her face and sliding them on the table, "I did exactly that."

Billy furrowed a brow and looked at her with equal parts concern and curiosity.

"Are you and the kids in trouble because—"

"No, no," Victoria cut him off. "It's not like that. It's not any kind of threat."

"But it's…something. You're not saying anything, but it's in your eyes. What's wrong?"

She rubbed her temple to stop the buzzing noise her brain. It was long and sharp, yet she heard in fragments. Victoria recognized it somewhere in her memory but couldn't put it a time on it. She felt as though she was on the brink of it.

"Billy, please. Let me sort it out, okay? Give me that. I'm fine. I promise. I'm just trying to say I'm sorry I pushed you away. Sincerely sorry. I'm always going to love you. You changed my life. Yes, I was hurt. So were you but you gave me joy. Because of you, I have those two children peacefully sleeping upstairs. But there's Billy," she gestured at him, "and there's Victoria," and then gestured at herself. "But there can't be a Billy and Victoria. Not in the way we would have been. I can't be hurt you're with Phyllis. I caused it and that's how I pay for it. You said I gave you false hope, but it wasn't for me. It never was."

Victoria could hear her voice break against her own will and her skin flush. When she sniffled and tears fell, Billy moved toward her and sat next to her.

"Why didn't tell me all of this? Jesus, Vick," he asked quietly.

"You're asking as though if it would have mattered. It wouldn't have. You admitted you missed Phyllis yet wanted more with me. You would have bounced between the both of us and I don't have the energy to be part of some love triangle. I don't have to put myself through that and frankly, I _won't_ put myself through it," she said, touching his knee and then pulling her hand away. "If things had played out differently, I would still be your wife. If things had been different, Ben would have been Katherine's dad," she paused and absentmindedly rubbed her left ring finger and looked him straight in the eye. "If things had played out differently, I would have been married to Travis right now. But that's my point: I can't live on what ifs. I can only move toward with what's already there."

"You don't know if we would have worked this time."

"You don't know if it would have been more of the same either," Victoria countered back. She smiled, wryly. "I only know if we had gotten back together, it wouldn't have ended up in a fourth wedding."

"You brought a crystal ball back from Florence?"

"Being in Florence made me come to the realization that I don't believe in marriage anymore."

Billy went to open his mouth but they were interrupted by a rustling upstairs.

She glanced in that direction and smiled, a little. "Two kids would really like to see their daddy."

Billy might have had something to say yet erased it the way a pencil mark disappeared when there was friction. Would he pick up the pencil again? Would he put it down? He moved in and out of her home so easily, knew where everything was and could disappear and reappear with nostalgic magic. He made his way up the stairs but stopped short, calling her name. All eight letters and four syllables of it. She did like when he called her _Vick_ though.

Her eyes focused on quarterly reports that stretched from one-quarter to the next but Victoria looked in Billy's direction and looked quizzically at him.

"Yeah?"

"The red one…" Billy said and then trailed off with a barely audible chuckle. She looked into those deep brown eyes and saw that word. _Kismet_. Maybe he looked at her and on some level, saw it too. Who knew?

"What?"

"You're all things anti-marriage now, but the red wedding dress was always my favourite."

There was that thread between her and Billy again – delicate as the string of a spider web, glittering like moon dust and as strong as steel.

—

Every so often, Victoria needed a sounding board. She needed someone that was removed from her and problems but close enough to hear all of them. Caroline Sullivan was a bit of both. She was still her therapist, but almost a friend, too – one that was paying for on the hour but a friend nonetheless. She squinted against the rays of the sun and took into the firm softness of her yoga mat. Chancellor Park had a grassy expanse, alive and green with yellow dandelions throughout like polka dots. Her body was already accustomed to this kind of meditative exercise but Victoria needed to do it more often. Caroline was with her, proposing they have a session outside while doing some yoga.

When every inhale and exhale Victoria took in, she twisted her body to one yoga pose to the next with advanced fluidity. She had forgotten how light yoga made her feel. It was as if she could separate her spirit from her body and allow one to be dominant over the other. Victoria felt as though her body carried a heavy mantle that spread tension from her shoulders to her toes and thought her spirit required a bit of expansion. The wider something was, the easier it was to find its core.

Cobra. Upward facing dog. Downward dog. Downward dog face upward right leg upward. Bridge. Bow pose. Hold and breathe in deeply. Exhale.

"At what point," Victoria questioned, with the undertone of exertion. She effortlessly came upward from being bent in a Bow pose to sinking down into a Warrior pose, "do you ever truly feel you've got it all figured out?"

Caroline matched her Warrior Pose step for step and laughed. "Type A and philosophical."

"I mean," Victoria continued, going into a tree pose and inhaled, straightening her back, "I _am_ Type A. I should have it all figured out."

Caroline turned her head slightly, despite being ramrod straight in her Tree pose. Victoria caught her green-eyed gaze.

"If everyone had their shit figured out, I'd be broke. If all fails, profanity is a wonderful thing."

Victoria sank into a Lotus position and so did the blond therapist.

She concentrated on her breathing but laughed.

Caroline shrugged, "Swearing equals higher stress tolerance. There are legitimate studies."

"I hope I'm not paying you extra," Victoria replied amused, breathing between heartbeats.

—

With Billy out with the kids and a text from Reed telling her he was still in the middle of rehearsal, Victoria figured she could leave the house. Fresh air and the one friendly face she missed the most would be great right about now.

"Wait, so you come back from Italy for the second time and you develop an anti-marriage complex, sleep with your other ex and you want to get _another_ tattoo," Nick surmised, sitting down across from her at the patio table outside Chancellor Park's café. She peered at him from over the rim of her coffee cup and took a careful sip. He stared at her. "Who are you and what have you done with my sister?"

Victoria put her cup of coffee on the table and broke off a piece of her muffin. She popped it in her mouth, chewing it. She missed sweet taste of Italian gelato on her tongue but nobody quite made blueberry muffins.

"It's not that I'm anti-marriage," she clarified with a shrug. "But does it really mean anything? You promised to love someone forever, put on a dress, eat cake until you choke only for it to get to hell in a few years?" Victoria looked at Nick, pointedly. "Why would anyone put themselves through that? I can have a healthy relationship without shackling myself to someone with the promises of forever. We don't _have_ forever. At least this time, when I permanently mark my body, it won't be a tramp stamp with my ex's name on it."

"You know where and what you're going to get?"

"No. But I'm sure it will come to me. I want something meaningful."

Nick smiled and shook his head. "Florence has made you dark, Vick."

She tapped a nail against the smooth surface of the glass and popped another piece of her muffin in her mouth. All she could do is shrug. A soft breeze fluttered the bottom of her blue and white floral dress. Victoria wore a short black leather jacket she had picked up in London.

"Careful. I may warp your soul, too," she sarcastically warned with a playful smirk. She moved the muffin and coffee slightly out of the way to place her elbow on the table. She cupped her cheek in her hand. "It was a good, honest talk with JT. We didn't…plan on it but it happened. It was just a moment and that was it. He's moving back in the summer."

"Wow."

"Yeah. I haven't even told Reed yet. It'll be good for him to have both his parents. I love that he will have some normalcy but…" she trailed off, and frowned.

"But…"

"JT and I have the same households. I have Johnny and Katie. He has DJ and Leah. With _four_ young children between us, I don't want him to get lost in the shuffle."

"Reed's a good kid," Nick advised, sagely. "Will the co-parenting be more complex? Sure. I'm certain he knows a whole lot of people love him. He's loved so much so that we're all going to cheer him on at the art festival tomorrow. We all got tickets for it," Nick continued, sounding as every bit the proud uncle, "and I have to say it. Reed is amazing at what he does. This could open so many doors for him."

Maternal realism twisted itself in her gut. She knew of Reed's talent. It was something bordering a gift. She understood that his music meant as much to him as her business sense did. He was as comfortable on a stage as she was in a boardroom. However, the corporate world was very much like the entertainment business: places where dreams could come true or shrivel up and die. Victoria believed in her son and like to think that his tenacity, determination and his grit come from her. JT was the musical parent between them. When people came up to her and told her how good her son was, it made her proud. But she had to entertain that realistic possibility.

Victoria tried to hold on to the smile on her lips but a frown peeked through. She tousled her hair absentmindedly.

"It's not that I don't believe in Reed's talent. I do," she sighed. "The entertainment industry is not a kind place. Do I want him to be successful, yes, but I don't want him hurt."

Nick shrugged. "You gotta let 'em get banged up a little. He's a tough kid."

"He's still my baby."

"And you could be the mother of a future Grammy winner," Nick replied, half-joking, tapping his temple with a forefinger. "Think about it."

God, she missed him.

—

"Does Dad know you're back?"

Victoria rolled her eyes. "I'm assuming Mom would have told him by now. Victor Newman is all-knowing, all-seeing and all-powerful, remember?"

Nick set his jaw, making the angle of it sharper and defined. He glanced down and Victoria caught him, rubbing his knuckle absentmindedly. There was a silence that felt more like a screaming countdown only they could hear. She looked him in the face and she knew. Nick's emotional dam was cracking and before they both heard the number one, the silence broke.

"I punched Dad and got into this huge fight with Chelsea yesterday. It was bad and I don't know what's happening with us right now," Nick confessed, rubbing a temple. He shifted a bit in his seat and involuntary flinched as if relieving both events as they were happening in real time.

"You did…what?" Victoria slowly questioned, the last coming out in a gasp. "How did it even get there?"

"He goaded me and I swung. Faith saw it."

"Oh, my God."

The peal of a child's laughter and a dog's bark rang in the background.

"I regret that Faith saw but I don't regret hitting him. Did I plan it? No. But he deserved it. What Chloe did was beyond messed up," Nick said with disgust in his tone, "and he let it happen. How Chloe could do it and still sleep at night is something I will never understand."

Victoria grew quiet and the memory of that fall October night became vivid. She remembered how sterile the air in the hospital was. She could see the information desk, feel herself hasten to drop Johnny off with her parents and the urgency with which she tore down the street in her car. Victoria remembered how her hands shook on the steering wheel and she gripped it so hard her palms felt raw. Without thinking, Victoria felt tears spring immediately to her eyes, pooling in them although she never let them fall. Most of all, Victoria never forget Billy breaking to pieces in her arms and Chloe exploding with grief so painful and intense, everyone else drowned and sank in it.

"What Chloe did was absolutely wrong – sociopathic, even. I agree with you," Victoria argued, trying to keep the trembling out of her tone. She could still feel the water from the shower hit her skin like pinpoints as her body shook with sobs she didn't Billy to hear. "But you weren't there, Nick. Delia's death hurt me deeply, devastated Kevin, killed the Abbotts and this will mark Billy and Chloe _forever_. Billy has found reasons to push forward, but a part of him is gone. Nobody paid for it. Adam hid in plain sight while everyone who loved Delia wondering why for two years. Katherine, Johnny, and Bella will never know how special their sister was. It was painful to watch my husband drift away and to this day, it's still so hard. Did you know Katie has her smile? The exact one and as beautiful it is, it hurts me," Victoria added, finishing quietly, looking Nick in the eye. "Chloe's actions were wrong. Her motives weren't."

She cursed quietly, whipping a tear away rendering it invisible. Victoria didn't mean to but the anger of that night and the aftermath bubbled to the surface like acid. It snapped every nerve, burned through muscles and tendons and still, cut at her heart like razor wire. Then she remembered Delia at that church in Florence – a spark when she came and a wisp of smoke when she left again.

Nick stared at her, incredulous.

"Are you _kidding_ me, Vick?"

Victoria's eyes flashed with defiance, conviction and the littlest bit of pain. She delivered her response like a punch.

"No, I'm not. You, of all people, know how grief feels. You're my brother and my best friend. I love you but you do not get stone her. Please don't."

Now, it was Nick's turn to bristle and harden.

With controlled, quiet anger, he replied, coolly, "I can't believe… Of course, I know. Losing Cassie will be with me until the day I die. Noah has his memories of her. Faith didn't know her and Mariah didn't get to grow up with her twin. But the difference between this and that is as much as I wanted to tear Daniel apart, he didn't do anything. It was an accident. At no point, did I run Daniel over my car or turn a cabin he was hiding out in into a powder keg."

Victoria softened slightly, "You chased him to all the way to California and could have. You're human. Our kids are little pieces of us. When you lose that one piece, it changes you in ways that can't be fixed. You live with Cassie's death like I have to live with my miscarriages."

It was as if Victoria had been swimming in the same ocean yet being pulled by different currents. Best friends argued and siblings went to war for and against each other. A different kind of silence passed between Victoria and her brother – the type of silence that stopped the opposite water currents. They found themselves magnetically swept by the same parallel currents again. When they did, they broke the surface of their tension and they have halves of the same whole again.

"We're never going to agree on this, are we?" Nick said first, breaking the silence with an amused smile.

"No," Victoria replied with a bright grin. "Not even close. I do love you, though."

"Same here, kid."

Nick reached over to break a piece of her muffin and Victoria playfully slapped his hand.

—

Victoria clutched her wide black clutch purse as she stood to go. She had somewhere to be.

Nick stood up too and stuck his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

"Are you going to be okay? You know, with everything."

Victoria raised an eyebrow, questioning evident in her blue eyes, "Everything is pretty vague. Care to narrow it down?"

"You're going to be co-parenting with JT in the same place again. Your other ex is with _my_ ex and you have your kids. Your job. I know you're a badass and can handle it all. I don't doubt it. You're kind of known to shut down and I don't want that for you," Nick admitted.

"JT and I will come with a legal plan that is fair for the both of us. Brash and Sassy is doing greater than I ever expected. I have my autonomy. The kids are a handful but," she shrugged, nonchalantly, "you know how kids are. Mine are no exception. As for Billy and Phyllis, Billy and I talked about where we stand."

"And?"

"I'm not ready to tell him," Victoria explained, "but we're in a good place, I think. As for Phyllis, I don't see the need to waste my time caring," she laughed, truly and genuinely. Victoria looked at Nick knowingly and smirked. "One of us slept with her and it wasn't me. That _stronza_ is not my problem. You know what _is_ a problem?"

"What?"

"You and Chelsea in the middle of a fight because this Adam thing brought out really strong emotions. I mean, it did with this a few minutes. Go work it out," Victoria encouraged, touching his arm. She was ambivalent toward Chelsea as of late. The history was not as corrosive although still present. It had dulled to the sharpness of a butter knife. The ridges were rough against the skin but couldn't cut the surface of the skin. Nick cared her and was happy. That's what she wanted in the end. She hugged him and kissed his cheek.

When Nick pulled away from her, he stared at her and sighed. "Do I even want to know what a _stronza_ is?"

"No," Victoria shook her head, and something of a mischievous smile came through. "You don't but you're free to figure it out."

—

Nellie's Piercing & Tattoo Shop was a rabbit hole of art. There were bars everywhere around it and across the street was a dormant strip club, although it would come roaring to life in the dark. Art on the walls. Art against skin. There was even art in the magazines that waiting customers had the option of reading. It was a Saturday afternoon but there was no one here. The single row of leather chairs was empty and Victoria's eyes couldn't help but be intrigued by the sharp lines, the shading, and the formation of depth seemed to bring objects to life. She could hear the loud roaring of the tiger as its mouth stayed open and frozen, baring its teeth. She could hear the rattling of the bike chain etched against the smooth skin where the spine lay.

She gazed into the glass case bearing design templates ready to breathe on a comfortable location on the body. She knew some places hurt more than others – getting the tattoo and removing it. The imprint of ink on her lower back went from vibrant and permanent to a faded outline virtually invisible. Victoria looked at her wrist. She looked at the branches of blue veins underneath the skin. The veins carried life throughout the roads and larger arterial highways of her body. Every breath she took sped up that internal highway and every heartbeat reminded her of the ticking of a clock. Time marched forward and so would she. It struck her. Victoria knew what she wanted to be etched into her skin. She took a deep breath that prepared her for the pain. She glanced at her wrist again, running her thumb lightly against it and under the pad of her thumb was the hummingbird beat of her pulse.

This tattoo was truly permanent. This tattoo was hers. When she glanced at it in moments of tension, she would take it to heart.

—

The artist's name was Griffin.

He was very sweet with an easygoing way about him. Victoria looked at him and it made her fast forward 20 years into the future and see Reed. It was the buzzing of a tattoo gun that rang in Victoria's head earlier today and she heard it again. Griffin's gloved hands were skillful and smooth. The tattoo being etched into her skin made her wince in pain multiple times. Griffin had deep-set green eyes he kept downcast in concentration and laser focus. He was funny with a matter-of-fact kind of humour and found herself laughing between periods of the pain and intense stinging. He smiled even when he was at work, answering her questions even when she apologized for her curiosity.

She took another deep breath, willing her arm to be still. Griffin was keeping his promise to make it as painless as possible Victoria noticed immediately that he bore many tattoos, majority of them on the forearms of both of his arms. She didn't know where one began and anther started. It looked like a roadmap and when she asked, Griffin simply replied, "It's a culmination of different stages of my life. I like to remember. I like tattoos. So, it was a no-brainer."

Every so often, the buzzing of the tattoo gun paused as Griffin dipped the needled tip in black ink.

He looked at her and smiled warmly, light brown hair looking like honey under the lights. It grew out and touched his shoulders.

"We're almost there, Victoria."

"Really?" Victoria questioned hopefully through the stinging in her arm although it came out like a breath. _Non c´è rosa senza spine._ No rose without the thorn. "I'm really sorry."

"No worries. Trust me. You'd be surprised at who tolerates pain and who doesn't," Griffin responded in a light tone, head downcast and the tattoo gun at work. Victoria slowly glanced at her wrist becoming a canvass started to be filled with dark art underneath her skin. She could feel him etching the letters together like a jigsaw puzzle.

There were starts and stops. How did an insect like a bee have a sting so painful yet make something sweet like honey? If Victoria survived giving birth in a parking lot, she could do this. Victoria closed her eyes and leaned back, wincing every so often. Suddenly, the buzzing of the mechanical bee stopped and never started again.

—

"Have a look, Victoria. You're done," Griffin instructed as if unveiling a Rembrandt or Monet painting. She opened her eyes and gazed at her wrist. Two small yet important words opposite of the other yet intertwined. One on the top and the one under it. The skin around her new tattoo was raised and glowed red against her light complexion. However, the writing was dark and simple. It was written in a cursive that looked like it had been done with a quill against paper of centuries past. The calligraphy was breathtaking. Two words that had a historical charm given to her by a girl in the place she loved the most. _Take a breath._ **Inhale. Exhale.**

"Griffin, this is more than I expected," she breathed, staring at the fresh body art in awe. She looked at him, gratitude in her face and appreciation in her eyes. "I don't know how to thank you."

"It's no problem. I could tell it was something important to you. That's what I'm here for."

"You're right," Victoria agreed, softly. "It is. It means more to me that I can say."

She heard the giggles of a little girl bouncing off the walls of a sacred church in Florence the loudest.

—

 _Take a breath, Victoria. You'll see better._

She would take a breath, inhaling in between the exhales. She'd see better.

Victoria would see herself better and revel in her renaissance.

 _Grazie, Firenze. Grazie a mille, Delia._

—

 _fin._


End file.
